Shannon

ow

2009-05-31T21:21:00.003-04:00

Been awhile. I never intended to abandon my blog, but my identity as Shannon is already being devoured by my identity as Eli's mom. It's rewarding, of course, but losing yourself in something good, even, can be a little discouraging at times. Maybe I need to come here more often and just be Shannon.

Pregnancy was hard and I hated it! I had all sorts of complications and now that it's over, not only do I have a baby with preemie digestive issues, I also have gall stones. My stomach started aching last night and we went to the ER. I figured a long time ago that I'd end up with this little benefit of pregnancy, too... it just seemed to fit right in. I have to call the doctor in the morning to schedule an appointment and then surgery.

I know it's been a couple years, but maybe I'll have some new gross internal photos to show you soon. :)

poor Betsy. poor me.

2008-12-04T21:07:00.002-05:00

I don't intend for this to become the cat blog or anything, but...

I'm so sad. Betsy went away tonight and I'm still crying. I started crying before they even left the house and I can't seem to stop.

I really didn't think it would be this hard. I'm so sad, though, and I feel guilty, too. She is so needy and loves me so much. She looked so scared when they left. She kept going in circles in the carrier.

Everything about it felt wrong. As soon as the lady walked in the door, Betsy freaked and she seemed to hate her. She just kept growling and hissing at her. I just hope she will bring her back here and not take her to a shelter or something if she doesn't warm up. Part of me hopes she will adjust, but there is part of me that hopes she'll come back, too. I just don't think I was really prepared for how hard it would be. Who will cuddle with me now while Josh is working night shift? I'll be so lonely tonight. I wish he was here now. :(

a home for betsy [please]

2008-10-08T11:56:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, I had only one cat. One cat, Jonah, has gone through lots of life with me. College, marriage, moves, divorce, numerous boyfriends, remarriage. One cat, Betsy, became mine through a slightly rash decision and although I love her, man, I have for many years now wished I could go back to having a one-cat household. Up until recently, I wouldn't have considered rehoming her because she is pretty attached to me. But the idea of having two cats and two kids in our small place had me almost convinced, and then yesterday she tried to take Noah's eye out.

She's jealous, I get it... but still, Noah has nice eyes. And I don't think she's going to be any less jealous of a new baby in the house. Besides, Josh is always kicking her off the bed or the couch, and really she just needs a loving lap to sit in all the time.

She's a super affectionate cat--lap cat all the way. She always wants to be on me or beside me, she loves sleeping in the bed, she purrs loudly and sometimes gets so happy she slobbers. She's housebroken and not bull-headed at all. She's about three years old, cute except her eyes are a little wide, and she has claws I trim but she's never been outside.

Anyone want to help out a poor kitty? If you or anyone you know (without kids) is looking for a loving lap cat, please let me know. I can go the craigslist route, but I am really hoping I can find a friend or a friend of a friend who I know will give her the attention she needs.

sleeping alone... sometimes

2008-10-04T12:46:00.002-04:00

Josh got switched to the night shift on Monday. When he first told me on Friday night, I had an enormous meltdown. I was sure it was the end of the world, we'd never see each other, it would cause marital problems, and so on. Saturday night when he got home from work, I had another one. Sunday night... again. I work best under pressure, because by Monday I was doing my best to figure out how to make this work instead of feeling sorry for myself and crying over something I couldn't change.

He works 12-hour shifts, so three days one week and four days the next I'll go to bed with only Baby Burke and the cats. The rest of the week we'll pretend like life is normal. I changed my hours at work so I can get home a little bit earlier and have a little bit more time before he leaves for work at 5:30pm. It's not my favorite situation, but we're making it work.

Last night I decided since it was Friday night, I would stay up super late so that I could sleep late this morning after Josh got home. So I stayed awake as long as I could and at 7am, my phone rang. Still a zombie, I had to go rescue Josh and his dead car battery. I could say my plan sort of backfired on me, but I did get to climb back in bed when I got home and sleep for awhile, so I guess I got what I wanted... just a little time next to my husband.

power

2008-09-15T11:24:00.002-04:00

You know, I find it kind of disturbing to realize how difficult it is for us to live without electricity. One day and I have already found myself extremely bored and suffering internet withdrawal, my phone and computer died since they couldn't be recharged, my car almost ran out of gas and there was not a gas station anywhere with power, the food in my refrigerator--including the milk I just bought yesterday--has spoiled, it's hot in my house, I'm tripping over stuff in the dark, and my allergies are a disaster from sleeping with the windows open.

I went to pick up Noah last night in the middle of the wind storm and I tried to go three different ways before I could find a road that wasn't blocked by emergency vehicles or giant now-dead trees. And by the time I got to Johnstown, I wasn't sure I'd make it back since my gas light was blinking and there wasn't a gas station anywhere that could actually give me some gas. We ate dinner in candlelight, which could've been romantic except that Josh spent most of the time complaining about my candle selection being scented and pretty rather than functional and light-producing.

I was sure work would be canceled today, but lo and behold, our building--which loses power at the slightest sneeze of the system--was standing and glowing amidst the darkness of the rest of Columbus.

I just keep thinking about how we would survive if a real crisis were to happen. I guess we should be better prepared.

oh, baby

2008-09-12T17:11:00.004-04:00

I guess this is the year for Burkeish announcements, because we have another one for you. We're pregnant!

We got a positive test back in August, so it's been a month of secret-keeping. We had our first ultrasound yesterday, though, at 8 weeks, and all is well. We saw and heard a heartbeat (160!) and wow, was it a beautiful sound. I've been pretty anxious waiting to hear that everything was okay, so it was a huge relief. I almost couldn't believe it when I saw the little flickering heart on the screen!

Baby measured yesterday at 8w2d, which is two days ahead of where we thought we were. The due date is April 23.

I set up a blog a few weeks ago and I guess now it's safe to make it public. So you can follow us at http://littlebabyburke.blogspot.com.

Love,
Shannon, Josh, Noah, and BB

birthday and stuff

2008-07-05T15:31:00.006-04:00

I didn't do a birthday post, but it was nice. Josh was working, so that was lame, but my work friends took me out and then Josh and I took the next day off and spent the day together. He took me to lunch and that evening we took Noah to the Powell Festival, so it was a good day. I think you should see this video of Josh singing happy birthday to me after sucking the helium out of the balloon Noah got at the festival. He will likely kill me for posting this, but I think it's funny.

Oh, and I was thinking I never posted a link to the slideshow we showed at our party. Since some of you weren't there, I thought you might like to watch it, so I've uploaded it for your viewing pleasure.

Guess whether or not Josh had to work on 4th of July? Oh, you are getting so good at this! But we spent Thursday evening with some friends and then when he got home last night we went over to Westerville to see the fireworks. It was really nice to spend a couple hours just sitting outside talking with him... it seems like we don't get to do that very often, so I was loving it.

Anyway, it's been a good couple weeks. Next on my list of things to worry about is our trip to Maine at the end of the month...

party and stuff

2008-06-21T12:35:00.011-04:00

Did you know it's hot and humid? It's our neighborhood's community yard sale day, and having just merged households, we had tons of junk to get rid of. I'm a shy girl, so sitting out here on display while people paw through (and often reject) my stuff isn't my idea of fun. Plus, it's hot, I'm bored, and my butt hurts from sitting on the stoop because someone bought the lawn chair from under me.

I kept meaning to write about the party. In spite of the rain, it was a great time. After fretting for as long as the date showed up in the 10-day forecast (and even a couple days before, I'll admit), when we woke up, our Friday the 13th was a beautiful day. I decided not to even look at the forecast for the entire day. We had planned to get dressed and go early to take pictures at the location with the pretty stuff behind us, but when we heard thunder rumble through around noon, my sister suggested we take some in the backyard just in case. Good thing, because we never saw the sun again for the rest of the day. Regardless, the pictures turned out well enough, even though Josh was super cranky about being hot in his wool suit in the 90-degree weather (note: he was cranky about feeling hot, but I'm pretty sure he enjoyed looking hot). Noah was not a good sport and refused to pose and smile, but we weren't really expecting better.

It was great that all my family was able to make it in and good to meet Josh's dad. We had exactly 50 people at the party, even though we almost lost one or two in the giant bonfire. The rain stopped about an hour in, so we were able to get outside eventually, but even so, the barn was great and the rain cooled things off enough that being inside was just fine.

All in all, it was a success, but I am so glad it's over! Anyway, thanks, friends. We love you!

on working hard

2008-06-03T15:01:00.004-04:00

... because I'm not, and I'm trying to decide how I feel about that.

We're in a bit of an editorial slump at the moment--we're coming down from the hysteria of one crazy project and the next is in the planning stages. A lot of red pens are capped right now.

Down time, which can be fairly enjoyable for a season, has become excruciatingly boring. It is in this time that, at first, I enjoy the freedom to check the news once an hour and catch up on my blog reading; but it is in this same time that I eventually realize the news isn't changing fast enough to keep my interest and my blogging friends aren't as consistent as they should be (hint, hint). The privilege of at-work surfing is becoming about as tedious as a regular, work-related task would be--and probably worse, since it comes without the purpose that succeeding at my job might bring.

So with down time comes a little peace and some usually-frowned-upon goofing off... the peace is nice, but there is some element of guilt that tags along with the goofing off. I guess I could do something more work-related with my time... like, say, start memorizing the dictionary or diagramming sentences for fun. (Aside: I know I'm a geek because neither of those sounds that horrible to me.)

But really, if there's nothing to do, why does my laziness have guilt attached? It isn't my fault. Maybe it's a few Proverbs... e.g., "A lazy man hates work." "A lazy man loves sleep." And maybe a little Colossians (i.e., "whatever you do... do it for the Lord..."). I wonder if there's an exception to the rule. Besides, I'm pretty good at lazing around for the Lord. I do it every day when I don't make Him the first priority in my life. And when I choose to gossip instead of encourage. And when I ignore the opportunities He gives me to take the easy way out.

Anyway. In 8 minutes I'm going to get my things together and ditch this cubicle... only to return again in too-few hours to repeat the monotony of this day tomorrow. But maybe I can be a little less lazy about how I use my time... or maybe not.

been awhile

2008-05-23T12:21:00.004-04:00

I put $50 worth of gas in my car and it didn't fill the tank. I'm not sure how to exist in this world!

I know it's been awhile. I've been trying to force myself to be in a bloggy mood lately, but it hasn't worked. I want to write, but I don't want to write. Why? I don't know.

Marriage has been good. We're enjoying ourselves at least 98.5% of the time. The other 1.5% is spent mostly at work or in an occasional snit. But we like being normal. Sometimes he leaves notes for me on the bathroom mirror, and last night he brought me flowers.

Here's a few of the things I love about being married:
> No matter how long the day is, no matter how many things we have to do, no matter what keeps us apart for the daytime hours, I always get to crawl into bed beside my husband. And even if he falls asleep while I'm talking to him about my day, he's usually holding my hand as he does it, so it's still some kind of perfect.
> Everything matters on a different level now. The choices we make every day now affect each other, and I love thinking about that and making decisions together. Praying together about decisions, big or little, is fulfilling even before we hear the answer.
> Having more silverware has been amazing. For years I have been living on six forks, six spoons, and six knives. Suddenly, having a meal doesn't necessarily require washing a fork before I can eat. Yes!

A couple things that have been hard:
> Our friends and our church are the price we're paying for our decision. Seems to me it's the job of the church to lift up and encourage its people, and who needs that more than a newly married couple learning how to have a Christ-centered, successful marriage? So we're looking for a new church who will support and encourage. The great church search is a challenge, but it's sort of exciting, too.
> My dishwasher is tired. I swear I run it every day now. I'm not sure how one extra person can make such a difference!

In other news, lately most of my stress has been poured into the planning for the party. Next time I say I want to host a party, remind me that I hate planning! I love parties, though.

Early release from work today! I love holiday weekends.

Mark 10:9

2008-04-20T14:12:00.006-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post. Least importantly, but momentarily annoyingly, my T key keeps sticking. And in this opening paragraph alone, I have had to fuss with the T key 12 times. Oh, now 13.

I wonder, when little girls dream about their wedding days, if they ever picture themselves eloping and skipping the whole wedding hoopla. Of course, I've already had my big hoopla wedding, so maybe I don't count. But I think I always imagined that it would be a big deal and romantic. Little did I know I'd one day become an eloper--or that a small deal could be way more romantic.

This has been quite a ride... but that is what I've come to expect from my roller-coaster life. The good break, then the engagement, then the judgment/suggestion, then the wrong break, then the recommitment... and then a shot gun wedding.

I have one important thing to say at this point:
I am not pregnant. I promise. We were painfully abstinent!

I guess you get to a point where you are two grown, praying adults who have made a valid decision about what they want, with an assurance of a God who listens and speaks to them. And then when you're at that point and someone tells you that what you're hearing from God isn't real, you have to step back and look at what you have. We are not impulsive people. We don't take this lightly. We have prayed and prayed over our decisions. And we decided to stop asking the world their opinion and do what we felt called to do. And that is the end of my defense.

Being married in the courthouse was actually a thousand times more romantic than the big, showy wedding I had the first time. With all the details and stress, I think a little bit of the meaning disappears. When it's just the two of you in one big room, holding hands and looking each other in the eyes, without a roomful of people watching and taking pictures, without worrying about whether your mother pulled your veil off your head when she hugged you... when it's just the two of you and a man with the power vested in him by the State of Ohio... that is romantic and real and a perfect, private moment. And while the idea of it being secretive and impulsive felt somewhat edgy, there was also a real excitement in being in on something together... in knowing something no one else knew. I guess it's kind of like beginning a new life with even the teensiest bit of adventure. I like a little adventure.

We will have a party eventually. I ordered a non-refundable dress and I intend to use it! Besides, we need real pictures so we can tell this crazy story to our grandchildren.

Next comes the details... moving Josh out and in, budgeting, name changing, getting rings, learning to adjust to living together... But first, telling people. That's what we're working on at the moment.

Over and out--
the Mrs.

joy kill

2008-04-08T16:46:00.004-04:00

What do you think about divorce and remarriage?

We're getting some resistance from the church about this marriage, and it's beyond what the word frustrating can portray. I'm still in some state of shock at the events that have occurred in the last 24 hours. It was just yesterday around 5pm when I talked to the pastor and he said there are some issues regarding the marriage because of Josh's divorce. In one rotation of the earth, I have been angry, frustrated, defeated, sad, depressed, and resolute. I finished with a more positive word, but that doesn't mean the negative ones aren't still hanging around.

I happen to be in love with a man who isn't all that resolute. He is a good, godly man, but his struggle with grace makes him a lousy decision maker. He is sure of something one minute, and the next he is all at sea. What? Being a bit of a control freak (yep, I have my own issues, I guess), this is not easy for me to handle. I just want to take every little thing and fix it, but that isn't my job. I can't repair every injustice in his life no matter how hard I try.

I am at a loss to understand how the church I have attended and loved for the last five years is suddenly letting me down. I've never claimed to agree with everything the Southern Baptists believe, but I thought they were more interested in grace and forgiveness than they were about the legalistic side of things. I am not saying that we should discard the law, but Jesus came to fulfill it and that is what he did. The law now is Love.

Clearly, God hates divorce. Every Christian knows this. I had to wrestle with it regarding my own divorce. But what God told me during that time was this: Shannon, I hate divorce. But I love you. And that's the same for any kind of sin. Sin is just sin... it doesn't come in levels of evil, specific ones don't have certain requirements for removal, and God doesn't see one differently than another. It's all just distance from him, and it all disappears under the blood of Christ. And at that point, none carries conditions.

Let me look at a few things here. Divorce and remarriage is called adultery under the law. And how did Christ deal with an adulterer? Consider the woman in John 8 who was caught in adultery. Jesus told her accusers that they had no right to punish her. He said "Neither do I condemn you... go and sin no more." (John 8:11)

There is a promise from the Lord that Christ is faithful and just to forgive us, including the sin of adultery, if there is genuine repentance. Jesus didn't condone the woman's sin, but he forgave her. He didn't put any conditions on her freedom--he just released her from her sin.

Hebrews 10:17 says "And their sins and iniquities I will remember no more." If the Lord has forgotten the sin, how can there be conditions attached to it? We have a new start in Christ. "Old things have passed away; all things are made new!"

I'm not sure what kind of point I am attempting to make. I guess I'm just frustrated and needed to vent.

Pray for us. Pray for me as I meet with the pastor tomorrow. Pray for Josh as he deals with feelings of defeat and wanting to quit. Pray that God would speak to him in a way that is undeniable and full of grace. Pray for us that we can make it through the first of a lifetime of crises together.

Ugh!

news

2008-03-27T16:09:00.006-04:00

We're getting married. I don't know the exact date or many details yet, but it will be June.

You'll probably have to click to be able to read this, but...

empty

2008-03-20T16:37:00.012-04:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Holy fire
burn away
my desire
for anything
that is not of you
and is of me
'cause i want more of you
and less of me

empty me
empty me
and fill
won't you fill me
with you
with you

Nothing wise to say lately. Struggling a little. Sometimes a lot.

I'm learning lately about what it really means to be emptied. Maybe I'm being emptied... a little, anyway. I want it... but I wish I wanted it more. But Josh wants it, and watching that has been humbling. Sometimes really amazing, but sometimes hard. Ultimately, I do want to come second. But I am sometimes selfish, and in the little moments, I can't help it. My flesh wants to come first.

catching up

2008-02-10T19:10:00.001-05:00

Today I was sweeping cat hair off the floor and complaining about cat-owning, as usual. I love (as in "care about," not the gross, overly attached kind of love) my particular cats, but I'm not a cat lover in general. In fact, I'm not really into animals at all. I love children, though, so that makes me feel a little bit more like I have a heart. I am just not into little furry things that need attention and a portion of my salary to survive. Josh isn't into cats--even my particular ones. He keeps threatening to take off their collars and let them out. Sometimes I don't protest. Anyway. I was complaining and rolling my eyes and quietly wishing them away, and Josh said, "That's what I love most about you. You have cats, but you wish you didn't. Well, not most, but a lot." He was serious, and that made me laugh.

Here's my big news. I've decided to learn to cook. I have been resistant for many years now, but lately I've been feeling bad that I can never feed poor Josh anything when he comes over. He would be lucky if I even had any bread to make PB&J. So last week I made the big decision and I've been semi-functional in the kitchen since then. I sat down with cookbooks, picked things out, and went to the store. For the first time in my life, there's meat in my freezer. It's kind of exciting. There's a roast in my crockpot at this very moment. I hope it's okay, because I've been building up to this moment all week. It's the little things.

New project is finally starting at work this week. I can't wait. I've been counting down the days and I sort of feel like stopping before work at the party store for a hat and some noise-makers or something. The last year has been slow and my brain feels sort of mushy. I hope it can start sparking again.

On a shameful note, guess what started up this week? Paradise Hotel 2. Man!! I watched the first one way back in the day and I loved it. I didn't think they'd ever bring it back, but hello, PH Season 2! I feel so dirty!

moving on

2008-01-26T15:35:00.001-05:00

I have two empty spaces in my heart. One space will always be there, and it belongs to my sister Susan. That space, I know, will never be filled by anything else; it will never close up. The other space belongs to a pretty little girl named Allie.

It was only six months of my life, and in the big picture of life, it seems like it shouldn't affect my heart in quite the way it has. But the time I spent holding her, hugging her, kissing her, playing with her, reading to her, changing her diaper, watching her potty-train, teaching her words and songs and games, and, well, loving her... it all seems so much bigger to me than it sounds when I put a time frame on it. "Six months," I say. It sounds like nothing. But it's been only a little more than six months, too, since I last held her, and that seems like an eternity.

Letting go of a child is hard. It's something about the innocent way that they love you... that you love them... there's no agenda. There aren't any games. It's nothing like the expectations and struggles in a relationship. So I loved her... simply and fully. And she loved me, too, and it was an innocent, special kind of love that made her see me as nothing more than love in action. She didn't notice that I was flabby or had thin hair or that I was insecure or that her dad couldn't talk to me about his feelings. She saw me and smiled and ran into my arms and her love was joy to me. Walking away from a child who loved you completely, with perfect innocence, is hard.

Time does heal wounds, though, and I thought I was doing pretty well. Until I realized how hard it would be to meet another child and find myself unsure of how--or whether, even--to give my love to this child, too. I will, I know, but it might be slow. I'm ready to move on--but I'll never discount the love and lessons I gained from this little ball of love I mothered for six months.

So this is for you, Little One. One last reminiscence of your bouncy curls and your big blue eyes and the songs you sang for me. One last time, I'll let myself recall the times you read to me because I skipped a page in the book you memorized. One last time, I'll remember building barnyards out of Legos. Coloring Easter eggs. Playing sick while you took my temperature. Rolling down the hill in the backyard. Singing in the car. Watching Dora while you fell asleep in my arms. Dressing your dolls. Hearing you say, "I love you, Sannon," with your sweet little smile. And then I'll let you go, Baby, because you aren't mine. But I was blessed that I was yours, even if it was just for a heartbeat.

boiling blood

2008-01-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

I am in disbelief over this article about a "church" and their decision to picket Heath Ledger's funeral because of the homosexual role he played in Brokeback Mountain. How can these people believe in the same Christ of the Bible who loves his creation in the midst of our sin, who offers grace and mercy to all of his children? They have perverted the Word of God into hate when the message is supposed to be Love.

Sin's just separation, you know, and it's all the same.

Thanks a lot, Westboro Baptist "Church," for making true Bible-believing Christians look like hateful, disgusting, and miserable people with narrow minds and narrower hearts.

newness

2008-01-03T22:07:00.001-05:00

When I hear new, I get a positive feeling. It's usually a good thing. Other than, say, New Jersey. Because, well, ick. But generally, new is a nice concept. Like new babies, new clothes, new shoes, new love. And, of course, new years. I sort of wonder why it's really such a big deal to us to start a new year--it's not like there's some big shift in the universe that says it's time to start over. It's just that someone has taught us to get a new calendar, and we buy into it. But whether your calendar is The Office (like mine), or bichons (like Jen's every year for the rest of her life), or hot cowboys (like the one I bought last year that Erin wouldn't let me hang up at work) or whatever your mom put in your stocking... well, it works for us. Because everyone likes newness. It's an amazing feeling, really, to know it's possible to start over. For some reason, we hang up the new calendar and with it comes a whole bunch of resolve that we just couldn't scrape up all year long. What is it about the new year that makes it seem possible to get on the treadmill, put down the cigarette, be a better friend, or learn new things?

And then all of that reminds me of the newness that God gives us every day. Of course, that has nothing to do with our resolve. And how we take that for granted! Every day is January 1. Every day we get a new calendar! Just think. You could have The Office, bichons, sexy cowboys, and even Dilbert. And then 361 more! The calendar tangent is a little silly, but really. New mercies every morning. What an amazing gift that is.

With the rest of the resolute of Central Ohio, I have plans. I'm not telling you, though, because it will jinx me or something. I guess it will just make me feel like a dork if I don't follow through. So jinx or dork, I'm not telling you.

Anyway, 2007 was an okay year. Last year Mom said 2007 would be my year... well, I really hope that wasn't it. I had some hard times, but at least they were sandwiched by good ones. It started well and it ended well, in spite of a little heartache in the middle. I finished it happy. Instead of writing about the events of the year, I'm going to just do my recap in photos. They're not in order. I'm not resolute enough to do that.

Hello, 2008!

the way to go

2007-12-23T15:38:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting on the floor in the airport. There's a plane on fire outside my window. No, really! There's lots of smoke and flashing lights, and we just found out there's a plane on fire in the hangar. And not just that, but the hangar's on fire, too. Here's hoping my plane is cool as a cucumber.

It doesn't feel like Christmas yet. I'm not sure what it's going to take--maybe once we get there and I'm in a house full of people I love and they start to drive me crazy--maybe then it will feel like the holidays.

I was remembering this morning how crazy last Christmas was for me with the surgery and all. I feel thankful this year for the simple things, like pain-free traveling (well, minus the one-hour delay we have so far), the ability to wear pants (oh, the little things!), and especially being able to go to the Christmas Eve service. It didn't feel like Christmas last year when I couldn't go to church. But I didn't think they'd appreciate my showing up in the old-lady nightgown I was living in at the time...

I had to leave one of my best Christmas blessings behind today, though, and that's a little sad. Since I couldn't stuff Josh in my carry-on bag (it was him or my laptop, and you can see who won), I had to kiss him goodbye last night and I'll be counting down the days--even though I'm sure they'll be good ones--until he picks us up on Friday evening.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

christmasing

2007-12-20T10:42:00.001-05:00

It's Thursday, but it feels like Friday. It's party week at work and no one's getting much done. Folks have mentally checked out for Christmas vacation, so sitting here at my desk feels a little like a waste of time. We have our next party at 11:30, so in less than an hour, I'll be freed from my cubicle chains, eating good food, white elephanting, and taking lots of pictures, of course.

December tends to be party heavy, but I love it. So far, I've enjoyed the Walk Christmas Party:

The Ugly-Christmas-Sweater Party:

A secret Santa Party (I'll leave off the photo of my boss playing Santa);
A special S&S (photo-free--Amazing, I know!);

And our company party:

One party today. One party Friday. Then come the family festivities.

I love to party.

2007-12-12T21:59:00.001-05:00

Sick. Bored. Sick. Bored. Sick. Bored.

Arrrrgghhh!

I guess this makes two complainy posts in a row. I haven't been complaining constantly since Saturday, I promise! But I'm sick, and that makes me whiny. And I can't go to work tomorrow--doctor's orders--and being bored makes me whiny, too. I need something to do to kill the time. I'm trying to sleep as much as I can, but when I lie down, I cough too much to sleep. And my nose won't stop running, which means I have a tissue permanently lodged in one nostril. I can work on getting a picture of this if you really need the visual. I have no pride when it comes to my running nose.

I finished my book over the weekend... that's always exciting news. I started a new book today and I'm a couple chapters in. I read some good things I was considering quoting here. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow when I'm bored all over again.

new day

2007-12-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm much calmer today. You can put away the straight jacket.

Happy Sunday!

mad mad mad mad world

2007-12-08T16:34:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting at Josh's, trying to talk myself down from the great frustration that has me on the top of Anger Mountain. I feel just a little bit insane right now.

Waiting is not one of my gifts. I hate to wait, but I agreed to sit here and anticipate the arrival of the cable guy at J's new place. Apparently, even when given a FOUR-HOUR WINDOW, Time Warner still cannot make it anywhere on time.

I've been here for five hours wasting away my Saturday. I called them at 4:05, already seething, and the lady on the phone gave me the run-around for not knowing the last four digits of J's social, the correct street address, or the account number. Listen, lady. All I know is that you are wasting my time, and if you were within strangling distance, my fingers would be sore right now. She said she'd have Mr. Late-Ass call me with an ETA, but that was 40 minutes ago and I'm still sitting here in great anticipation. Except now, I'm seething even more than I was before.

I don't generally get this angry, so it's sort of disturbing me. It shouldn't matter so much, but I guess the waiting, the incompetency, and my hormones are making a really bad cocktail today, and I've thrown back way too many.

Send calming thoughts my way, please.

grace

2007-12-03T17:00:00.001-05:00

I've got grace on the brain today.

I get really impatient with people who just don't get it. I know it's a heavy subject, but it seems so simple to me. That doesn't make it less amazing, but it feels simple. We're screwy, God is good, and He forgets our bad stuff. So why can't we forget it, too?

I don't really struggle with the grace concept all that much, but I have friends who do. Sometimes it makes me want to take them by the shoulders and give them a good shaking. I wish there were a way to convey the simplicity of it that is in my mind. I know it doesn't come down to just experience. These are people who have definitely experienced and appreciated grace. I'm not sure why it's simple for me, but I'm glad it is. Watching someone struggle with guilt and shame is taking its toll on my own heart. It's a struggle to watch and not really understand without becoming very, very frustrated.

As far as the east is from the west! It's not so hard. The Lord took it from you and he threw it away. It never happened! Stop covering your face. Stop hiding. Stop being defeated. Be victorious! Because you are! You are free.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

still thankful

2007-11-23T14:47:00.001-05:00

We survived the holiday and the Black Friday sales!

I feel like there are so many more people/things to add to my thankful-for list, but I can't go listing everyone without forgetting someone. But at the moment, my heart feels like it wants to mention Mandy, my best internet friend, who listens patiently with love and gives amazing advice and never gets tired of being my counselor. And at the risk of sounding like a real sap, I'm going to admit that I'm thankful for Joshua. It's only been a month, but he has been a real blessing to me in a lot of ways, including a strengthened faith in the God who changes lives and a real desire to be more disciplined about the time I spend with the Lord.

I guess my week of public thankfulness is over, but I'm going to try to remember all the reasons I have to be thankful.

thanks, day 3

2007-11-22T16:25:00.001-05:00

Giving Thanks, Day 3

Happy Thanksgiving Day! If you're reading this at all, you're probably my friend, so you should know I'm thankful for you in my life.

I'm sitting on the couch with too much food in my belly but just the right people around me. I'm even more content than yesterday, because Josh is here now and that just makes perfect even better. Is that possible? The kids are still loud and Daniel is still farting. But it's all a-ok.

+ The Walk
The Walk is my group of friends from church. We're like family and they have picked me up a million times when I've fallen. They are my community here and my closest friends. Through these people I've learned to feel and love and trust and know what it feels like to have friends you can really, truly count on.

+ Erin, Jen, and the Rest of My Work Friends
I've been so enormously blessed in the friends department. I remember when I was younger and had trouble making friends. I remember seeing groups of friends together doing stuff and wishing I had that. In the last few years, God has filled my friends cup to overflowing! When you see the same people eight hours a day, five days a week and you still like each other at the end of the day, you know they're special. Erin and Jen are a couple of my best listeners, and there are so many others who are always keeping me happy and positive and well-hugged. Sometimes, going to work is like a party every day.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-I Thessalonians 5:18

thanks, day 2

2007-11-21T17:56:00.001-05:00

Giving Thanks, Day 2

I'm safely at my brother's and happily surrounded by my family. We've been lying around for hours now, accomplishing nothing but much rest, much eating, much laughter. I've whined a bit about feeling not so perfect today, but on the bright side, at least I have my mother here to pet my head. Dad's working on his Bible study at the kitchen table, which means we all have to listen to him read out loud one passage or another as he finds it interesting. Allison's playing really loud music, Daniel's farting everywhere, and the dogs are driving each other crazy. But everyone's happy.

So here's day 2. I'm going to go with...

+ Lisa and Jill
They're my two best friends--each of them so much like me and yet very little like each other. Jill helps me to be rational and make smart decisions, and Lisa listens to and knows my heart. I don't know what I'd do without either of them.

+ My job
I'm so blessed to have a job that I love in a great place with amazing friends. It's secure, it's rewarding, I enjoy it, and the people I work with are some of my closest friends.

Time to take the kids to Blockbuster. Back tomorrow.

thanks, day 1

2007-11-20T17:05:00.001-05:00

Giving Thanks, Day 1

I'm done with work for the week, so the holiday has officially begun. And I'm thankful for that! So since it's Thanksgiving week, I'm going to do my best to really be truly thankful for all the blessings in my life. I'm going to come up with two things I'm thankful for each day for the rest of the week, and I'm starting today.

+ Jesus, of course.
Where would I be without my Lord? He has brought me through so much already in my life. I'd go through all my painful things again just to experience waking up on that day when he healed my heart. He always comes through, and he'll do it again. And again. And again.

+ My mother
I lived a lot of years before I realized what a blessing my mom is. I think I just assumed that all mothers were the same and they were all like mine. But then, a few years ago, people (yep, that's plural) started telling me how lucky I was to have a mother like mine, and I started to realize that everyone doesn't have the same blessings and all moms aren't as special as mine. Not all mothers care. They don't all listen and advise and trust and believe in and encourage and pray for their kids. They don't all make their children feel happy and loved even on their loneliest days. They're certainly not all funny, even though they might try to be. But mine does all these things and a lot more, so I could never be thankful for anything more than I am for my mom.

I want to keep going, but I want to spread out my thankfulness this week so I don't go forgetting about all my blessings. I'll be back.

depravity and joy

2007-11-18T17:44:00.002-05:00

I just finished watching an exceptionally disturbing episode of SVU. After watching a bunch of little kids die in a cult setting, the end was only slightly redeeming. Then on the screen flashed an "in memory of" dedication that made the whole thing feel far too real.

I've been having a somewhat emotional day anyway, so this was probably the last thing I needed to see. It's one of my favorite shows, but it really brings to life the depravity of the world and that can be really depressing. Why are we always finding new ways to hurt each other?

In contrast to what I just saw, I watched as a handful of children met Jesus this morning in our church service. Just like I cried for the children on TV just now, I cried for the children this morning. But thankfully the dead ones aren't real and the real ones will live forever. It's Thanksgiving week, and I'm so thankful for the joy the Lord gives us even as we are surrounded by the darkness of this world.

2007-11-12T18:54:00.001-05:00

I don't feel like I have anything useful, funny, interesting, or edifying to say today, but it's been a long time since an update and I guess I'm feeling obligated.

The idea of feeling obligated to write makes me LQTM, since Erin was just writing about such blogging mysteries recently. I guess I don't exactly know my true blogging purpose. I think when I started (which was January of 2003, and for the record, long before the blogging generation began), I originally intended it to just be for me. But she's right--since I know I have readers, I will hesitate to write unless I feel I have something good to say. Maybe I should trust you all more than that.

Anyway, it's finally starting to feel like the right season outside. I love fall, but there's something satisfying about watching it pass into winter. There's something about chilly air and coats and hats and seeing my breath that makes me feel warm. Ironic, I guess. It's probably a result of knowing the holidays are approaching, bringing parties and food and friends and family and other happy things (like pumpkin roll) with them.

So the holidays are almost here, it's sweater-wearing time, I'm hanging with my Lisa tomorrow, and there's this guy... so I'm smiling lately. Plus, I just got my teeth cleaned today, so I may as well show them off.

one liner

2007-10-25T13:26:00.001-04:00

I was about nine or ten, and Mom was driving me to town. We were driving along and singing with the radio, as we usually did, when she laughed at the lyrics I was singing that I had apparently made up. It was a Cathedrals song, and I can only remember one line--the wrong way and the right way. I was singing "a fire in the weather makes a little poor child come alive." She said the actual lyrics were "a fire in the winter," but I didn't believe her, and as a matter of fact, I'm still not sure I do.

For some reason, that one line kept running through my head this morning as I was waking up. I haven't heard the song in 15 years, probably, but that line has been stuck in my head all day. I tried Google, but I can't find it based on either the correct or incorrect lyrics. I'm starting to think we both made it up. It's driving me crazy that I can't find it anywhere, that I can't remember the title, and that I might never really know the actual lyrics. Besides, having one fuzzy line of a song stuck in my head is only adding to the fun of my bored-to-death-with-being-home-sick week.

And now I'm thinking maybe "little poor child" should be "little cold child." Then again, "little frozen child" would make the most sense, but it definitely doesn't fit the music (which you can't hear, because it apparently only exists in my head). And if I had a little cold child that was barely alive, I think I'd try a hot bathtub before I dumped him in a fire. I think this might be the beginning of lunacy.

whomever's name is Toby

2007-10-19T13:58:00.002-04:00

Toby has always been my favorite character from The Office, and last night he proved himself to me in the whoever/whomever exchange.

Michael (to Ryan): It’s whoever, not whomever.
Ryan: No, it’s whomever.
Michael: No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim: Sometimes it’s right.
Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.
Michael: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say because you’re all jerks who didn’t come to see my band last night.
Michael: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don’t know.
Pam: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it is the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan: I used it as an object.
Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object, to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object, which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asks you anything ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull.

lately

2007-10-09T20:15:00.001-04:00

I finally finished reading the last chapter of the chemistry book that's been eating my brain away at work lately. There's actually a picture of Humpty Dumpty in that ridiculous book.

Emily's wedding is this weekend. I can't believe it's here! I've had a thousand things to do, but I'm starting to feel ready. In the spirit of timeliness, I burned myself with the curling iron on Sunday and have a nice hickey-looking mark on my neck.

Check out this right brain/left brain test. I can only see her spinning clockwise, but most of my friends think she's spinning counterclockwise. We were all looking at the same screen this morning trying to decide which of us were crazy.

Hey, I think fall might really be here!

who?

2007-09-26T21:08:00.002-04:00

While I was watching ANTM tonight, I was surfing blindly with the Stumble button. For some reason, it showed me this image. I think it's a t-shirt, but when I saw it, it made me stop for a second and think about the answer to its question.

And after just a few moments of considering the idea, I feel enormously blessed. So, I thought I'd give you the same opportunity to feel warm and fuzzy. Who loves you?

celebrate!

2007-09-24T09:15:00.001-04:00

It's National Punctuation Day!

That's all.

happy

2007-09-23T10:08:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a good day. I can tell already. I'm ready for church and still have some time to sit here and read my hometown newspaper. Not that it's exciting, but it's home. I'm eating Frankenberry cereal, which means it's fall--and the best cereal season ever. Martin is singing for me. The Steelers will be on tv later, and that always makes me happy.

Mom's home from the beach, so that small and inexplicable annoyance in my life is fixed (inexplicable because, well, she doesn't live near me anyway. So, why should it matter?).

I found an article on commas that made me laugh. We are all the same.

sleep and such

2007-09-12T00:28:00.001-04:00

Have you ever actually tried counting sheep? I've had a hard time falling asleep lately for some reason, and the only thing that really seems to work is Nyquil; however, it creates brain fuzz the next morning, regardless of the dosage. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I started wondering if anyone really counts sheep to fall asleep. Have you ever tried it? I decided to give it a shot, but I found that "watching" the sheep jump over the fence gave me a headache. I wasn't positive, but I guessed it was the counting that was the putter-to-sleep, so I switched to cats walking. I figured that would be easier on the eyes of my imagination. Thing is, neither the sheep nor the cats actually helped me fall asleep. Not sure if I'm just the single exception to the sheep-counting sleep success, but it didn't work for me.

I need to say this: way to go, Steelers... way to open the season by pulverizing the Browns. It doesn't get much better than that. At least not for a Steelers fan stuck here in the OH-IO.

I've decided it's time for another media fast. Time to get my focus back. Today I was driving home from the store and I was thinking about wanting to write. I always want to write, but I'm just too stinking distracted. I can't do anything I should do because I'm always distracted by stuff that's easier and more mindless. So, I'm going to do it. Wednesday to Saturday (um, the new shows start next week. ha!), I will be AWOL from the online community. Taking away my internet and television, I am then left with... what? Books... a pen and paper... chores... work... Jesus... all good things I don't seem to have enough time for because my Internet addiction gets in the way.

If you happen to need me, you can either call my cell or e-mail me at work. I have no choice whether to be online at work--it's kind of necessary. I have to watch my e-mail for my freelance work, too, so on the off-chance it's a life-or-death matter, I am reachable. Otherwise, I'll see you on Saturday.

much love!

update

2007-08-25T18:34:00.002-04:00

I thought I should probably let you know that my AC is up and running again. Whew.

It died last Friday and with the heat wave came the rain. The heat wave made it nearly impossible for me to ~~function~~ exist; the rain made it completely impossible for the AC man to get the job done. He called each morning at 7am to cancel. Finally I got angry (read: mouthy) and he managed to make it Thursday. The world is right again.

I'm at my parents' in Pennsylvania this weekend, so the cats are at home enjoying the air conditioning. I was afraid to turn it off.

2007-08-22T17:28:00.002-04:00

How do people manage to live without air conditioning? I know some people do it on purpose, but I feel like I am living in a third-world country.

Oh, America.

miles and miles

2007-08-21T19:21:00.002-04:00

I haven’t heard anything yet from the Beautiful Club. But since we’re on the topic of beautiful...

A couple days ago I heard a friend do a cover of a popular mainstream song--but before she did, she invited us to listen to the lyrics and hear God whispering to our hearts.

She talked about little girls in Asia who become prostitutes… maybe because they don’t have any choice… maybe because they don’t have any hope… maybe because it’s the only thing that makes them feel loved and useful. I’m glad we’re in America and girls aren’t reduced to selling their bodies. But even here, we sell ourselves out. Girls like you, girls like me. We’re born with a need to be held and loved and appreciated and once we’re too old to get that kind of affection from our parents, we start looking for it everywhere else. And when that need isn’t filled physically, we start to get emotionally needy, too. I need people to love me, and what will I do to get it? I don’t sell my body, but maybe sometimes I sell my soul. And for what? Things that are fleeting, always. All the while, God is waiting, and he’s patient, and he’s willing to stand in the rain on my corner… waiting for me to tap on his window and be loved.

I don’t mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved.
Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful.

beautiful dot com

2007-08-19T20:35:00.000-04:00

My beauty is being assessed by professionals.

The other day I was on the phone with Mom and she was watching an interview on Fox News with Derek Braun, founder of The Beautiful Club--an elite club for beautiful people. Self-described, they are "here to select the elite for you...." This "exclusive membership" is "pre-selected by a panel of judges."

How does one apply? Go to the club's myspace site, send a friend request, and wait. Once they receive your request, a discreet panel of judges will make their decision and only you will know the outcome.

The whole thing is amusing to me. The club, the membership procedure, the "panel of judges"... I'll be sure to update you on my acceptance or rejection as soon as I get word either way.

2007-08-14T09:20:00.000-04:00

I'm generally ISFJ, but my E and I are usually pretty close. I must be feeling in a social mood this morning. I still think I'm more of an ISFJ.

ESFJs are social butterflies that value relationships, supporting and nurturing others. Never one to shy away from social events, they are often the host. ESFJs are responsible, dutiful, observe traditions and follow rules. ESFJs have a deep concern for others and often end up as caretakers. They are sensitive to criticism and have a need to be appreciated for the good they do for others. ESFJs are understanding, generous, have a quick wit and a knack for composition and beautification.

ISFJs are traditional, loyal, quiet and kind. They are very sensitive to other people's needs because they are very observant. They have rich inner thoughts and emotions. They value stability and cultural norms. They are very adept at giving attention to detail. They do not seek positions of authority.

love,
your protector

fluff

2007-08-08T19:30:00.002-04:00

So I was thinking it's about time for a light-and-fluffy post. So here's a random list of ten things that have made me happy lately.

1. Seeing so much of Teresa and Libby
2. Feeling like myself again and having people notice
3. A first date that didn't suck!
4. Doing something meaningful at work
5. Talking to Mom every day
6. Reruns of ANTM
7. Finishing the crossword puzzle
8. Making new friends at the office
9. Hitting my hug quota
10. Nighttime chats with Mandy

the best, though: Jill's moving back!

What makes you happy?

finally

2007-07-30T11:45:00.001-04:00

I keep thinking it's time to write something, but I've struggled with finding the gumption to sit down and do it. Not that I didn't have anything to say--it was just the act of forming it into something coherent that daunted me.

And it still does. I have all these topics running around in my head and I don't know where to start. It seems like God has been showing me things lately and every time he does, I'll try to store that little thing away and remember to write about it later. Now I have this giant pile of stuff over in one corner of my brain, but it's getting all dusty and I'm not sure I can retrieve it.

I guess I'll start with an update on my emotional status. I'm doing okay--at least for now. It seems like every time I announce to anyone that it's getting better, things start crashing down around me and I find myself back in the pit of despair. I do not want to keep finding myself in that pit, so I'm trying to keep a good distance. I think I have mostly myself to blame for my depressed funks--when I get into one, I can't get out because I can't convince myself to take a step. I get under the covers and hide my soul away and it's cold and dark and lonely, but it feels safer than anything outside the four walls of my bedroom. When I finally walk myself out of my hidey-hole, I'm certain it's better on the outside; yet my heart sometimes feels safer there. Anyway, for now, I'm doing pretty well.

Last week was VBS and I started that week in what was perhaps the deepest depressive state of my life--I spent four days in self-pity, ending on Monday morning when I woke up and got back to my normal routine after a week of vacation. The routine helped enormously, but it was the kids--well, the serving--that really uplifted my downtrodden heart (head?). I'm working on my focus and getting my heart (head too) right again.

When I started being rational again, it felt good and right. My anger at God for not coming through with MY plans was completely ridiculous, and I knew that. But being in an irrational state of mind, I couldn't wrap my mind around Truth. I know Truth. We're good friends. But it evaded me; I could see evidence that it had been nearby, but when I tried to hold onto it, it kept slipping through my fingers. It was so buried in all my momentous crap. The hurts of the moment made me blind to Truth, and although I did want it, there was a part of me that didn't want it, too. And that is the part of me that was new and foreign and frightening. I think I've sent it home now, and I hope it doesn't come back.

One time at a prayer group, a bunch of us were all sitting around a friend's living room and we were discussing the topics we wanted to pray for and then keep in mind throughout the week. When we were ready to pray, I closed my eyes and was listening to the prayers coming from around the room. These people were (well, are) my good, close friends. My family. We were comfortable together. Some sat on furniture, some sat on the floor. I was on the floor. In our little pseudo-circle, there was an empty spot on the floor and in that moment with my eyes closed for prayer, I saw my God sitting there with us. I can still see it when I close my eyes. He was sitting there on the floor, legs crossed Indian-style. His hands sat on his knees, and he looked as comfortable with us as we were with each other. We all had our eyes closed, but his were open, and as he watched and listened, he was smiling. I mean, really smiling. He was listening and nodding and smiling and in that moment, I began to cry and I felt like I knew God in the most real way I have ever known him. He wasn't just this glowing light or happy feeling or even "just" Creator or Father but he was my real, personal God, who sat in on my prayer time and smiled at our obedience. He listened, he knew, he cared, he heard, and he changed me.

I remember that a lot. In the last two months when I've been sad, I've tried to conjure up that picture of God sitting there with his legs crossed and listening and nodding. I would get close and then shut down. Why? I don't know. Too much self-interest, I suppose. Too obsessed with myself and not keeping my eyes on God. But lately as I've been working at spending time with him and keeping myself focused, I've started to feel like Zaccheus. Not because I'm in a tree watching for Jesus--I wish I could say I've been that faithful. No. I'm still pretty much consumed with myself. But because he knows my name. Regardless of who I am or what I do or why I struggle, he comes and he says, "Shannon, I need to come to your house." And I think, "wow. That great, important man just called me by name. And he needs me!" I'm not worthy of either of those things, but I'm so thankful for his grace.

He's so much more faithful than I will ever be.

just us

2007-07-08T18:42:00.002-04:00

For being 93 degrees, yesterday sure was refreshing. Spending time solely with my married-or-at-least-engaged friends has been difficult lately. I love them all, but being surrounded by couples only intensifies the feeling of being very alone. Yesterday was a full (and very hot) day, and I was wiped out when I finally got in my bed, but it was so nice to spend the day with a big group of single friends who aren't talking about weddings or honeymoons or who's moving in where and who aren't kissing or hugging every ten minutes. When I got home last night, I realized that I didn't feel lonely at all that day--not even once. I need more days like that. Plus, there were lots of soccer boys to check out...

perspective

2007-07-03T09:44:00.001-04:00

I love this.

Suggested editorial change to the last frame per Erin:
"Are you all right? A piece got by, but it’s something I allowed in my sovereignty and goodness because I love you and want to change your character so that you can comfort others when they suffer."

resonating

2007-06-30T13:49:00.001-04:00

"But these places and these faces are getting old / so I'm going home... where your love has always been enough for me."
-Home, Chris Daughtry

"Can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?"
-Bring the Rain, MercyMe

"Lord, how am I supposed to apprehend anything / when I'm so big in my eyes?"
-Under the Impression, Charlie Dodrill

"It's okay to be sad."
-my friend Dayna

Music always makes me introspective. Some of it makes me sad, so I have to turn it off. Some of it makes me feel guilty, so I have to turn that off, too. Some of it makes me think long and hard, and it just depends what mood I'm in whether I turn that off or not. Last week, even Jesus-music was making me mad-bad-sad, but I'm doing better this week. Now I'm listening again, and it's interesting when lyrics I've sung a thousand times in the car start sounding different to me.

For instance, yesterday I was driving home from my brother's and listening to Lincoln Brewster. He has this song called "Love the Lord," and the lyrics are, simply, I will love you Lord / with all my heart / with all my soul / with all my mind / with all my strength. Over and over. And I was driving along and singing those words and suddenly I scrunched up my brow and thought, what am I singing? This isn't the truth. If I really, truly loved God with everything, if I gave him everything, then I wouldn't be depressed when I lose. I wouldn't be upset when I don't get my way. If I gave him everything, then I would just throw my arms up and say "OK then! Whatever you say, Lord!" I wouldn't hang on. I wouldn't look for ways to drag out my pain. I would want to let go of this thing that God obviously didn't intend for me. But I suck at that. I'm not any good at letting go. What does it take to truly give God all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? I've sung those words so many times in my life--hymns, campfire songs, worship music... and I always thought I really meant it. Now I'm not sure. I want to love him that way, but I'm not sure I really know how. Maybe I used to know and I forgot. But I'm not sure.

The last thing I quoted up there was something a friend told me. Since my struggle started, so many friends have had so many wise things to say. So many have listened and sympathized and tried to help. But it was this tiny little thing that made the biggest difference. I was in the middle of a sob session and Dayna was giving me the mother treatment--digging out tissues, holding me, and doing the hair stroke. But she didn't try to tell me it was going to be okay. She didn't say "there's someone perfect out there for you, Shannon!" She didn't say he wasn't good enough anyway. She simply said, "It's okay to be sad."

Wow. It sounds so simple now but it was revolutionary to me in that moment and in the days since she said it. I had been trying so hard to not allow myself to be sad. I was so afraid of the pain that I pushed everything out of my mind. Instead of letting myself be sad, I tried to ignore things and go back to my life and I ended up sliding into a pretty ugly funk. When I realized it was okay to be sad, I finally felt like I could talk to God again. This has been an interesting lesson for me, control-freak poster child.

In unrelated news, happy birthday Jill! Happy birthday, Anne! Happy birthday, Chris! It was apparently a good day to be born.

twenty-eight

2007-06-27T09:53:00.001-04:00

It's a new year! I'm 28 and 1 day old now, and it's time to get happy. I think yesterday was a turning point in my attitude. I've been laying around in a funk for awhile, and I guess I just needed someone to pull me out of it and show me happy again. Well, my friends came through (I shouldn't be surprised--they always do!) and I'm feeling so much more like Shannon again today.

Recall the hug project. My friends decided to take it to the next level and turn my normal, boring cubicle into a huggy one. There were little hugging people (including some with Hugh Grant heads) strung up all over the place. They made a special Hug Board (see on the right) to keep track of my birthday hugs. I got 28 (that's how many I am!) at work and four more later.

Jen made the most amazing (and beautiful) cake ever. Everyone thought it was from a real bakery. Well, it was. The Jen Bakery is my favorite.

I got about nine voicemails from Hugh Grant, aka Mark. I feel very Britishly loved.

Then I had dinner and some game-playing with my best friends.

Mom and Dad sent the most perfect card. Laurie, Allan, and Dave all remembered. It was a good day. And today is happy, too. I'm staying out of the slump.

Thanks, everyone. I have the greatest friends (and family). I know how fortunate I am. I love you all.

Click for pictures:

birthday 07

it's only the world

2007-06-25T22:07:00.001-04:00

Last night I did nothing, and it felt pretty good. Tonight I did nothing, and it felt pretty lousy. Darn it. I thought maybe this park-it-on-the-couch-with-potato-chips thing was going to be the answer, but I guess not.

I'm not having a sad night... I'm having an irritated one. I'm irritated with myself for being in a funk and not getting myself out of it. I'm irritated that I can't just buck up and deal with the crap in my life instead of being sorry for myself and ignoring the problem. Truth is I'm tired of feeling crappy. What is the answer?

I guess it's time to start being honest with myself and stop pretending like he (and she) never existed. I guess this isn't a healthy way to deal with it, because I'm starting to hate myself a little more every day. I'm a mess and it's time to pull it together.

Tomorrow's my birthday, so I guess it's a good day to decide to have a new start. Right? This was a rough birthday-to-birthday year for me. It saw not one, not two, but three breakups. Two with Rob, one with Mr. Never-Existed... it's been exhausting. Maybe when Mom told me this would be my year, she meant my birthday-to-birthday year. Year 28. Maybe my good stuff starts tomorrow.

friends

2007-06-23T00:07:00.002-04:00

Mine.

I love them.

What a happy night!

chains on my soul

2007-06-21T22:06:00.001-04:00

What a week I've had. I've been sad, but I've been strong. Stronger this time. Every day is a little better than the one before. My friends have been keeping me busy, and I know I'm so fortunate to have people around me who care that much. To my own surprise, I'm getting pretty close to over him. Not over the dream, and definitely not over her, but I guess I'm gaining break-up skills. It would be nice to never have to use these skills again.

One foreign thing I've been struggling with this time, though, is a teensy bit of anger at my God. This is not an area I'm familiar with, because I've always been a take-it-as-it-comes kind of Christian. I've been through bad times before and I've shaken it off and gone on my merry Jesus way. This time, something is different. There's a stirring anger within me that's screaming, "Why again, Lord? WHY?" I know God has a plan and I know it's better than any crap I could come up with. I just want to know why he wants to drag me through the valley over and over.

Anyway, as a result of this struggle, I've been feeling kind of far away. I feel like I can't (don't want to?) get close to God. For example, my Bible is in the backseat of my car from the trip to PA. I talk to him a little but I think I'm avoiding talking about the stuff that hurts. "Thanks for the food, Lord." "Help me get through this day." "Get her out of my head, please!" And so on. Where's the deep, dark stuff? Where's the stuff that really hurts and then heals? I've been holding back, because I'm not ready. I don't know why, really.

Tonight I was driving home from Lisa's and this song came on. Again. When it came on, I thought to myself, "that is so weird! This song has been on every time I've been in the car for days." And only then did I realize that might have been on purpose. I'm driving down the road and singing along with the words--out of habit--and then I thought, hey, do I mean what I'm singing? ... Yes. Yes, I think I do. And then I cried for the first time since Sunday. He always shows himself to me.

The song is here:
It's "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay. It's an old song, so that's why it seemed pretty weird to me that it was on so often--not that 1049 The River doesn't ever play the same songs over and over (and over). I've heard the song a million times since the 90s, but not until tonight did I hear myself singing the words "I want to fall in love with you" to my God. Who needs a man?

thoughts on father's day

2007-06-17T18:21:00.001-04:00

Dear future Mr. Right-for-Me: Can you measure up to my dad?

Let me preface this by saying I know it's not exceptionally healthy. But the last day and a half--since the official end--I've been thinking occasionally about Mr. Right. I don't mean I'm out searching and I don't mean I want to try to heal my Andy-wounds with another guy. I'm not trying to market myself just yet, and I'm not signing up for dating sites. All I'm saying is that my view on the man market has changed all of a sudden. Yesterday I stopped at a gas station on my way home to PA and when I smiled up at the cashier--just friendly-like, of course--the in-a-relationship scales fell from my eyes and I remembered what it was like to immediately categorize every man who crosses my path: potential... not my type... available... wedding-ringed... . I don't do it on purpose. I guess it just comes with my single-woman-approaching-thirty nature.

And again, I'm not saying I'm out searching. But I have been thinking about this supposed Mr. Right. Mostly because when people attempt to comfort me about the breakup, they usually go for the big guns about how God has someone better for me and how amazing it will be when I find him. So it's not my fault. People keep reminding me about this man who is apparently out there somewhere just killing time until he gets to make me the happiest girl in the world. Hope he's ready. Seems like that can be a tall order sometimes.

What does he look like in my mind? I'm not sure yet, but I hope he's a whole lot like my dad.

2007-06-15T18:40:00.002-04:00

Having had 24 hours to think on things, I decided I probably shouldn't have posted quite what I did yesterday. I do have the lousy habit of saying things out of hurt and anger and not counting to ten, and I probably did that last night. I should have just left it at sad and clicked the button, but I guess I wanted to share my pain. Even so, it shouldn't have been at Andy's expense, and I apologize for that.

I'm dealing with anger and disappointment and hurt and sadness and all sorts of other bad feelings, and sometimes I just want to stay mad because it's so much easier than being sad. Sometimes I work hard at being angry, because really, it's a pretty good Band-Aid. Of course I'm intelligent enough to know that it's not a good long-term fix; I've been through enough hurts in the last few years to have learned quite a few things about dealing with the pain. I'm still not any good at it, but at least I'm educated on what the "right" things are to do--and I know anger isn't really the healthy way, but it helps get you through some of the hurty stuff until you're strong enough to deal with things. That is assuming you ever actually deal with them... (I do!).

Just for the record, Andy is a good guy. He's not a different person from the one I wrote about all those months ago when I was gushing about how great he was. Okay, he stopped doing things like bringing flowers and breakfast and cough drops, but he's still the same good-hearted guy, and he still opens doors for me. He's a guy with a history that I'm not allowed to know. He's a good guy with a wall that I can't climb. I want to, but there's just no way in. I want to get in, but he just can't let me, and I don't know that I can keep trying, because it's exhausting and I feel like I'm going at it alone. I need a map, or a boost, or something that will make me feel like we're in it together, but it just isn't there. This guy--the guy who can't let me in--I love him, and I wish I could take away the hurts from his past. But that isn't my job. It's God's job, and it's Andy's job to hand those things over, and as much as I want to fix everything and make it go away, I wasn't made for that. I was made to be supportive, but I don't know how long I can do that at the expense of my own emotional needs.

I know God's plan is good, and I'm looking forward to the happy part. He has always proven to me that he has something better in mind, and whatever it is, I'm ready for it.

2007-06-14T17:43:00.001-04:00

The beach is out, and I think I might be done with the boy, too.

Hug quota shall be doubled in the coming days.

I'm going to get over the disappointing boy, but can someone teach me to get over Allie?

*sigh*

I'm very sad tonight.

blissy bliss

2007-06-10T21:12:00.001-04:00

This is kind of like the day after Christmas. It was exciting, and I waited all that time for it, and now it's over. And the over part, well, it's sweet and it's sad. I've been busy and stressed and I'm glad for the break. But the planning and anticipation were fun. Of course, now I can look at pictures, and I didn't have that before...

It was a beautiful wedding. The weather was absolutely perfect, there were no snags in the plans, and everyone seemed to have had a great time. Lisa could've (perhaps should've) been in Bride magazine.

Andy was amazing and won extra points and many props from me. He wasn't thrilled about going and sitting alone, but he was great. He even showed up at the wedding when we had decided he could just come to the reception. Seeing him there was a sweet surprise, especially since I know it wasn't easy or comfortable for him. That made it a big sacrifice. He danced with me lots and was a great sport the whole night.

So... my best friend is married off, and I haven't decided yet how I feel about this. I guess I have a week to decide while she's off beaching it in the Caribbean. When they get into the "normal" groove, we'll see how I feel about my best friend having a husband.

2007-06-03T21:17:00.002-04:00

This is fun to watch. And it keeps getting better.

the hug project

2007-05-30T13:28:00.001-04:00

A week ago DeAnna told us that a person who receives seven hugs each day is supposed to be considerably happier than the average, not-so-well-hugged person. We started that day. I forgot to keep it up, but I think I hit my quota even without trying on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Yesterday I started taking this project seriously, and I plan on collecting no fewer than seven hugs per day for awhile--maybe forever.

We've decided that it's okay to have more than one hug from any one person. It doesn't have to be seven different huggers. It just has to be seven different hugs. Yesterday's eight hugs were collected from DeAnna, Maureen, Mark, Justin, Anne, and Sean. Oh, and I got one mental hug from Jen. Maybe by the end of this experiment, she'll give me a real one!

I have six so far today, collected from Erin, Maureen, Mark, Tammie, and Anne. Justin will make seven once I track him down, and I should go over quota today, since Andy's coming over tonight. What a happy day this will be!

I'll keep you updated on my happiness quotient. I think it's working already!

Some things Wiki says about hugs:
A hug is form of physical intimacy that generally involves closing or holding the arms around another person.
The hug is probably the most common human sign of love and affection.
It is practiced in almost all nations, countries, religions and sects.
It is not peculiar to human beings alone as there are many species of animals that engage in a similar exchange of warmth.

quote of the day

2007-05-26T21:55:00.002-04:00

"Daddy, I can't walk. My finger hurts."
-Allie, convincing Andy to carry her as we were walking to Franklin Park Conservatory today.

We made a special trip to FPC to see the butterfly exhibit because she's fascinated by butterflies. Turned out she was far more fascinated with the fact that we got to ride a bus from a remote parking lot... because there happened to be a giant festival going on in Franklin Park today. Really... she was very excited about the bus. The butterflies were good too, but the bus... wow.

I'm sleepy.

Beach Reads

2007-04-25T13:16:00.001-04:00

I'm going to the beach this summer. That means a few things. First, it means the days will pass very slowly from now until July, because I'll be pining away for sand and surf and sunshine. Second, it means I need to buy a swimsuit, and consequently I'm starting to hate myself. One more thing--it's time to make a book list.

I plan to spend most of my time reading, and when there's sand in my hair, in my nails, and in the bottom of my bathing suit, I only want to read nice fluff. So these are the rules: (1) Nothing heavy; (2) nothing philosophical, metaphorical, or educational; (3) Nothing non-fiction; (4) Nothing I'll need a dictionary for; and (5) nothing that will make me feel bad about myself while I'm publicly half-naked.

A few suggestions so far that have come from coworkers:
Kite Runner
The Time Traveler's Wife
A Girl Named Zippy

What are your favorite beach reads?

if you're happy and you know it

2007-04-17T21:28:00.001-04:00

*clap, clap*

I know it's been a long, long time. It's been almost a month since I've taken the time to write anything here, and it's been a number of months since I've really sat down and done any meaningful writing at all. My routine has been all out of whack lately. Let me try to do some updating. I guess if you know me, you already know these things, but I feel disconnected from my blog, like it has feelings and I'm hurting them by being gone so long. I need to update. So for the sake of my blog's feelings, just read.

I guess I'll go with the bullet points. Not sure what's coming. These are the random thoughts on my mind these days. Might not make much sense. Sorry.

I'm happy. In fact, I think I might be happier right now than I've been at any other point in my life. There's something about this man--about this thing we are together--that makes me feel like life is right. I'm in love with him, I'm in love with his daughter, I'm in love with his family, I'm in love with us, and I'm in love with who I am when I'm under his spell. Maybe that's gross to read. I can't help it. I need to be honest with my blog.
About a week ago, I was buttoning up Allie's coat when she hugged me and said "I love you," completely unprompted. I am officially wrapped around the proverbial finger.
I'm going home to PA this weekend for the first time since Thanksgiving. Good grief, Charlie Brown! It's only a four hour trip. Why can't I seem to make it home more than twice a year?
My bedroom is finally painted. It's blue and brown, in case anyone wants to buy me some accessories. I think I'm done painting in this place.
My favorite Project Editor at my freelance job is leaving the company. I loved working for him, and I'm sad (but see first bullet point. Still happy!).
My dress for Lisa's wedding has been massively altered and actually fits. Now I have to get rid of my old-lady arms somehow.
I'm sick with that inner-ear thing again. I've been dizzy for three days in a row, and I'm ready to feel like I'm walking on solid ground again.
Do you know how fun bath toys can be? I was at World Market today and had to buy a bunch of them. I love having an excuse to buy toys now.
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. Blah.

I could probably keep going, but is this really the place for mindless ramble?

I'll try to come back soon, Blog. My life is getting full, though. I want to make room for you. I will. I will!

2007-03-20T17:17:00.000-04:00

I'm obsessed with getting through the game I mentioned in my last post. I'm on J now. Help.

(And just for fun, I got Erin obsessed, too. Ha!)

2007-03-20T00:47:00.001-04:00

I can't sleep.

I've been lying here for a couple hours now, and it's approaching 1am, which means although I'm not tired now, I will be in the morning. Sometimes life isn't fair.

I've already done the crossword puzzle, checked myspace a hundred times, read everyone's blog updates, written a couple emails, checked the weather, and gotten up to pee twice.

I tried to play this word game, but it made me crazy and I gave up at the third level. If you can master more than that, please let me know the secret.

spring fever

2007-03-11T20:30:00.000-04:00

Perfect Sunday.

I had to get up a little earlier than usual, but I balanced it out with a nap. I went to church with Andy this morning and I'm starting to feel, suddenly, as though I have a family here. I am relishing the mom, dad, and grandma hugs; the lunch invitations from church people; the doxology singing; the family feeling... it felt like I think Sundays should feel. It's been awhile since I've felt that real Sunday feeling. The roast-and-backyard-football-game Sunday feeling.

And after all that, there was swinging at the park--one of my favorite things in the world. The first swing session of the year elated me. I love the swings, even though my butt is too big and the black rubber seat squeezes my hips enough to (probably) leave a mark. It's just such a happy activity.

My favorite forecast so far this year:
Tuesday, 68 and Sunny

Tuesday, I can't wait for you!

Happy. But.

2007-03-08T20:24:00.000-05:00

Life is good. I'm happy.

However...

For the last couple months, I've been sneering at an occasional bill in the mail from the hospital. Every two weeks or so, I'll get another one. One from radiology. One from the ER. One from anesthetics. Not huge bills, but they start to add up. I thought my sneering might be over, because it had been awhile since I'd gotten another one.

Oh, but no. The biggest and baddest sneer was yet to come. Today I got what I assume is the final bill from the hospital. "Here," they said. "Your insurance company's had enough of you. Pay the rest of this or else." I was confused, but it finally clicked when I got to page 2 and there was a four-digit number in the "Pay Now" box.

*sigh*

letting go of all i've held on to

2007-02-15T23:07:00.001-05:00

Cheesy song lyrics make the best blog titles. Right?

Sorry for the long break. The last month has been busy. Good busy. I signed my life away on a mortgage. I've been painting and packing and tying up loose ends. The downstairs walls are painted and hopefully ready to sit there and look pretty. The cable guy's coming on Monday. My change-of-address form is in the mail. Details.

In other news, the aforementioned nice guy is turning out to be a really nice guy. Falling. Not to sound like a mush-ball or anything, but jeez. I feel a little dizzy.

I guess that's my update. New house, new guy by my side. I think I like the second one better.

Happily heading to sleep.

happy weekend

2007-01-28T23:04:00.001-05:00

It was a good weekend. Friday: The Walk. My friends. Food. Fun.

Saturday: Rob came over for some belated hang-out time. Aren't we classy? Click to see up my nose.

Sunday: party with my work friends. It was so good to get together again! And then a church date. No photographic evidence of this event, though.

I love my friends.

fuzz

2007-01-24T22:44:00.001-05:00

It's cold outside, but it's warm in here.

Warm and fuzzy.

So, there's this guy, and he's everything nice. Sugar, spice, whatever. He opens the car door for me. He tells me I look nice. He tells me he likes me. He's a hugger. He smells good. He wants to go to church with me. He likes my cats. He even does the crossword puzzle every day!

Anyway. It's early. But he's nice. I just wanted to tell you.

Also warm/fuzzy:
- My sister is coming to help with the unpacking! I love her.
- Party this weekend with the BichonsPlus. How I've missed the Easton branch!
- My amazing daddy is paying for me to have movers. *happy sigh*

good

2007-01-18T23:15:00.001-05:00

For the first time in quite awhile, I'm really content with my life at the moment. I'm happy and cozy. Things are good. More stuff makes me smile than makes me frown, and that's reason enough for me.

Things at work are good. Work is picking up and I'm starting to feel stressed again occasionally. This might seem like a bad thing, but really it's not. It makes me feel useful. It's good to feel like I have purpose at work. And keeping busy all day certainly makes the 8 hours of cubicle living go a whole lot faster.

Things at church are good. The Walk is growing so much lately. There are new people there every week, and, imagine this--they've even been coming back. It's been fun making new friends, and it's so exciting to go out to dinner and ask for a table for more than 20 people. Well, it's not so exciting for the servers, but it is for us.

Things at home are good. I signed a contract last week and I'm on my way to being a homeowner. In approximately one month I'll no longer be throwing away money on rent or owing an insane portion of my salary to the city of Delaware (grrr!). I'll be 2 miles from work, 5 miles from church, and way-fewer miles from various friends. If you want to help paint, you just let me know and I'll put a roller in your hand.

I'm reading a book Austin gave me. It's called The Mother Tongue and it's about the English language. I haven't been in the mood to read in ages, but I'm eating this up. It's so interesting, minus the few pages I just trudged through about evolution of man (regarding how speech and language came about). Hooray for getting back my passion for non-work-related reading!

I'm happy. Happy!

family

2007-01-08T17:01:00.001-05:00

I have lots of family. The regular kind, the church kind, the friends kind. But today I was thinking about another family I have--an unlikely one--and that's my work family.

For a lot of people, work is just work. It's what they have to do to pay the bills. A lot of people hate it. Some people, if they're lucky, don't mind what they do too much. And a few people, if they're lucky, actually enjoy their work.

I fall into the last category--I truly love my work. There have been moments when I've been frustrated or annoyed, but I've never questioned that publishing was where I was intended to be. And there have been some crazy times in our department, but things have leveled out amazingly well in the last few months, and I just love it.

I was gone for three weeks for the surgery, and I was surprised to realize just how much I really missed the people I work with. They aren't just co-workers, but so many of them are real, true friends. The kind that make you smile inside.

Today as we were all sitting around the lunch table (note: we eat together every day as a department, and our table is starting to get really huge), Steve pulled out a big bag of chips that Kathy knew he liked and had brought him from a trip (how cute is that?). He ripped open the bag and tossed it in the center of the table, and everyone grabbed some and we all shared. Family-style lunch! It made me smile, and laugh, and even say, "oh, I love it here!"

Family is special, whether it's the real thing or not.

2007-01-06T14:10:00.001-05:00

Even when I'm being uber-lame, God spends time on me. Even when I do talk to him but it's all about me, even then he spends time on me. My story both begins and ends with tears, but the beginning tears are a whole lot different from the ending tears. The ending ones are good, they're healing, they're necessary. They feel right.

Watch this.

back to life / back to reality

2007-01-04T20:38:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my first day back to the office. I'm excited to be back in the swing of things, even though I haven't made it through a full day yet.

I had my post-op visit on Tuesday and found out Junior was benign and contained hair, teeth, bones, and brain tissue. The brain-tissue thing surprised me, but now I think it's pretty cool. The doctor didn't have pictures yet, but he said he would get them eventually. I can't wait to see!

Although I'm glad to be back at work, the exhaustion is causing me to miss social engagements. Blast!

reflections

2007-01-01T12:35:00.001-05:00

Mom says this year will be better because it's an odd year and I was born in an odd year. I don't get her logic but I'm willing to be hopeful. '06 wasn't all bad, though. I've certainly had worse. Aside from a little heartache, Lisa's cancer scare, and some surgery, there were lots of good things, too.

Like new friends. I made a collection of new friends this year, including Rob, who's still one of my best. The Walk grew a ton and I have new family there.

And there were friendships that grew stronger. Erin and I attained BWF status, and life's events brought me closer to friends like Libby, Anne, Tammie, and Jon. Lisa keeps teaching me to feel "out loud" every day, and I got to see Jill for the first time in a million years.

Though the surgery wasn't a high point, there was a high point there--I saw an outpouring of love from my friends and family and it was really special to know how much they care. It's this kind of thing that shows you who your true friends are. I didn't realize I had so many who fit so solidly into that category.

'06 brought changes at work. Some were good, some weren't, but adjusting to change has been a good lesson for me either way. Things are going to be different by the time I get back, but I guess that'll be a story for 2007, won't it? I feel fortunate to still love my work after all these years.

God has been good to me this year, in spite of how I've treated Him. I've been selfish and lazy and conceited. I've had lousy desires that didn't match His. I followed my own way lots of times instead of consulting with Him first. I sucked at spending time with Him. I had my focus on myself. Yet every day He was there catching me when I was falling (and failing).

So, it's resolution time again. I checked my archives, but I didn't post any last year. It would've been interesting to see if I'd actually kept any of them. Here's what I have in mind this year:
1. Seek God daily. Focus: my purpose.
2. Be more accepting of change. Learn to take hard stuff without making it personal, especially at work.
3. Be less selfish. Remember the world does not revolve around little me.
4. Write down what I spend and balance the checkbook, for goodness sake.
5. And, of course, get skinny again and feel good in my skin. This is going to be the year.

May this be a blessed year for all of you, my friends. I love you!

new year

2006-12-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

What a year it's been. Here's hoping for a new year with more focus and less heartache.

Hello, 2007. I'm ready for you.

Lord, may I be closer to you with every day.

2006-12-28T14:06:00.001-05:00

Christmas is over, the travels are over, the company's gone. There are still holes in my abdomen and there's still pain coming from them. But less of it!

My Christmas didn't turn out too badly, in spite of the consequences. Other than the surgery and being sore and incapable of lifting anything over 5 pounds or getting in and out of bed on my own or showering facing the water and... well, other than a lot of things, it was okay. We made it to the family Christmas at Laurie's, so I'm thankful for that.

I feel like a heathen this Christmas. I didn't make it to church in the morning OR for the Eve service, so my Christmas was all very secular this year. Although I guess my being incapable of sitting in a pew doesn't make the reason for the season any different, does it?

Other than the battle scars, I got what I wanted this year. Mom and Dad gave me my first sewing machine, on which I intend to become a young Martha. Laurie hooked me up with the accessories. It took three of us to figure out how to thread the bobbin, but it's up and running. Now I need someone to teach me how to use it.

I also got lots of fuzzy socks (Mom's favorite), a pretty watch with interchangeable bands made especially for me, a cute bag, a pretty snowflake pin, a cookbook, and a game for wordbrains. I got the annual coloring book and crayons in my stocking, and Mom and Dad actually heeded my wish list and bought me printer cartridges and paper!

I also got lots of pity and attention. You know I love it.

Here are some pictures (click). Nothing too exciting. Disclaimer: I've been lying around in pajamas for days.

the eve

2006-12-24T09:30:00.001-05:00

We made it.

The ride was long and hard. Painful. But I mostly kept quiet because I just wanted to get here. I think it might have set me back a teeny bit, because I've generally been feeling better each morning than the day before, but today I'm feeling pretty rough.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm here with the fam, but for some reason I'm feeling a little depressed today. Everyone's off to church now, but I didn't even bring church clothes since I knew I couldn't sit through a whole service. So it's a little cold and lonely in here now, and I had a dream last night that made me sad and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

Allan and crew will be here later this afternoon and we'll all be together again. I'm looking forward to that.

Does it feel like Christmas Eve to you?

fam

2006-12-23T11:20:00.001-05:00

Well, I can almost sit up, so we're going to Georgia. I'm a little nervous about the ride... sitting for 10 hours and what bumps will feel like... but I'm bored out of my mind, and if I'm just going to be sitting around healing, I'd rather do it there with my family. So we're going to try it.

Hope to sleep the whole way. See you next week!

home

2006-12-20T20:12:00.001-05:00

I'm home. Junior is dead!

I'm surviving. I'm in a good bit of pain, but hopefully it won't last too long. Sitting is really painful, but lying down and standing up are okay. Mom and Dad are taking good care of me. They're going to the store in a bit to find me one of those super-cool t-shirt night gowns so I don't have PJ pants rubbing on my incisions. My daddy brought me the cutest little kittens from the hospital gift shop--two of them that look just like my actual kitties. I thought it was sweet.

I have pictures, but I haven't scanned them yet. I'm not sure how many people are actually going to be interested in seeing my insides, so I don't know that I'll post them here. Let me know if you want to see and I'll give you a link. The cyst turned out to be bigger than they expected... almost double what they initially said. But they still managed to get it out laparoscopically, so thank God for that.

Everyone was very kind to me. And I've appreciated all of your calls and emails today. It feels so good to know I have so many people who care.

surgery

2006-12-18T14:52:00.000-05:00

I got word this morning that it's finally been scheduled. Wednesday morning at 10:00 will be the end of this sucker! (umm, not me. The cyst. Just so you know.) Goodbye, hairball. Goodbye, toothball.

I'm already starting to freak out, but I'm glad it will be over soon. I've never had surgery and I'm a big baby, so this is going to be interesting. Still trying to decide if it'll be better or worse when my mom gets here... I mean, it will be comforting, but I wonder if I'll just fall apart completely once I don't have to hold it together on my own anymore. I guess we'll see how strong I really am.

Pray with us that it can be done by laparoscopy and I won't need an open surgery. I'm pretty nervous about waking up and finding out which one it was. I also don't want to have to spend two nights in the hospital... talk about freaking out...

Here's a list of things you can bring me:
+ hugs
+ kisses
+ smiles
+ flowers
+ books
+ magazines
+ crossword puzzles
+ yarn for knitting
+ Christmas presents
+ Valid credit card numbers

Things you can't bring me:
- Work
- Newspapers
- Cute boys to see me in my hospital gown
- Good food I'll want to eat but can't
- Bad news
- Any more needles

Good luck, abdomen.

junior

2006-12-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

No, it's not a baby.

My ovary is in there somewhere, but it's all blocked by this giant, benign tumor called a dermoid ovarian cyst.

The smaller, white part is the solid part of the cyst. That's the part that is made up of weird, misplaced stuff like skin, hair, and teeth. The bigger, black part is the part filled with fluid. All together it's just over 10 centimeters.

I met with the doctor today. The date isn't set yet, but it doesn't sound fun. We're hoping it can be done laproscopically, but because the solid part is so big, he isn't sure that's feasible. If it ends up being an open surgery, it'll mean a month or more of recovery. Pray with me that it will be the easiest option with the least knifing up my perfect abdomen. :)

And a note on the blogger-beta mess: I've been hearing everyone is having problems with commenting. Blogger just posted a note today on this, which seems to be a common issue with the beta. They said: "Until we fix this, it may work to log in first at http://www.blogger.com/login.g, and then go to the comments page on the new version of Blogger in beta."

holes, part 2

2006-12-12T20:04:00.001-05:00

More holes.

I've really been tested lately. I mean that both ways. Lots of medical tests lately... tests that are testing me.

Last Tuesday I received three holes from the doctor's office without a successful blood draw. Yesterday I received three more holes from the lab at the hospital (but at least with success in the end).

When I left the lab, I called my mom and I told her about my miserable experience, the tears, the sorrow, the shame of it all. After I'd told the story, I said I was glad it was finally over, and that I was never going back.

I jinxed myself, because it's now Tuesday and less than 24 hours after I'd said I'd never go back, I found myself sitting in the ER at Grady, crying about a blood test, an IV, barium to drink for a CT scan, and an impending surgery.

Thankfully, everyone was very kind to me. The doctor wasn't going to force me to drink the barium when he saw me in the middle of a panic attack. The nurse was sweet and told me it wasn't my fault I'm a big baby. ;) The IV guy made me laugh all through my tears as he was inserting my IV, which scared me to death. And then they gave me happy drugs, and I drank the gross stuff and did all their lousy tests, and they left me with a diagnosis of dermoid ovarian cyst... a nonmalignant 10-centimeter tumor growing on the side of my ovary with teeth and hair in it. Umm, weird. I'm still trying to read up on this and figure out just where the hair and teeth come from. So far I haven't found any answers.

Anyway, it's been a rough day. But I'm so thankful for all the people who care so much about me. Thank you to my best friends, Lisa and Rob, for leaving work in the middle of the day to come and rescue me and be the support I needed when I was freaking out. And to Pastor Chris for doing his job well. And to Mom for always listening when I call at obscene hours to whine about being sick. And to everyone else who has called today... there are so many of you. Thank you. I feel so special knowing all of you care. I love you!

NYC

2006-12-10T10:55:00.001-05:00

The trip is over. Well, almost. The fun part, anyway. Now I'm working on getting home, and while I'm waiting, I thought I'd let you in on the party. You can click on the pictures to see bigger ones.

Here we are on the train. This was my first time on a train, and it was interesting. Not quite as clean as I was picturing, although I'm not sure why I imagined it would be. I think I was picturing a big charter bus, except on rails. But that's too clean in my imagination to be a good comparison, obviously.

And here's Jill planning out our trip. That's something New-Yorky out the window.

This is the madness at Macy's. It only took us an hour to locate the floor that housed Women's Coats. I was ready to slit my wrists after ten minutes. These crowds were completely ridiculous.

NBC Studios--Check out the peacock in candy!

Here we are in front of the tree in Rockefeller Center. It's huge!

And here's a picture of the tree without us covering it up.

And one more photo with some other, less-important-but-still-pretty NYC trees.

There are more, but I'll stop here. I'll upload them all to an album... eventually. Possibly including the photographic evidence from the Ugly-Christmas-Sweater party.
*edit: here's a link to the album.

It was fun! Cold, but fun. And now I'm sitting at Gate 11--back in the airport. Already laughed with a couple strangers. See you soon!

2006-12-08T17:06:00.001-05:00

The airport has WiFi! It's slow, but it works. Since it's free, I won't complain. Not too much, anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship with airports. I mean, you sit and wait, and wait and wait and wait, and it's uncomfortable, and there are strangers and germs and you always think you're two seconds away from being mugged or drugged (well, maybe that's just me...), but there's something exciting about being on the brink of something new, of getting on a great big hunk of metal that somehow doesn't fall out of the sky, of watching a bunch of nervous strangers reading or staring or eating greasy food (I already had mine).

I've talked to a few people, even though that's breaking one of Mom's rules of travel:

Keep your back to the wall.
Put your purse around your neck.
Don't talk to strangers.

Thing is, I kinda like strangers. I always talk to them. Sure, they're strangers, and I'll probably never see them again, but there's something I like about the freedom that comes with a conversation with a stranger. There aren't really too many rules. You don't have to talk about things you have in common. You don't have to talk about work, or the weather, or your family. But you can if you want. And if you want, you can just talk about where they came from, where they're going, why the WiFi is so slow, what kind of work they do. And in a travel situation, since you can be fairly certain you'll never see the stranger again, there's this refreshing, liberating feeling of confidence in which you can look over and smile shyly at a handsome stranger, and just a smile in return feels like you've just had a really amazing first date. He might not remember it after he takes another step, but you will, and it's worth it all because there's no aftermath.

Turning my attention back to the strangers.

holes

2006-12-05T21:28:00.001-05:00

I have three holes in my body that I didn't have when I woke up this morning, and I'm milking it for all it's worth.

I'm the biggest baby in the world when it comes to getting my blood drawn. I used to be bad as a kid, but I think I'm actually getting worse as I get older. Today, there were three sticks, lots of tears, one guilty-feeling nurse, and no blood in the vial to show for any of it. So I have to go back.

Gah!

In better news, I'm going to see Jill this weekend. We're going to take the train to NYC! I can't wait to see the city at Christmastime. And I've never been on a train...

I'm getting excited!

waiting

2006-11-28T13:37:00.001-05:00

They that wait upon the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

(Isaiah 40:31)

I'm going to tell you a secret: I'm terrible at waiting.

Well, okay, you probably know that's not a secret. The secret is this: last week I let a friend convince me to sign up on this free online dating site. My first reaction was to scoff. Then she said she'd made some friends, and I reluctantly allowed myself to start thinking, "well, maybe..." So I went to the site and filled out all their stupid questions and for a couple days, it was something interesting to do while I was at home on vacation. But it didn't take long to get tired of the lame emails from weirdos who obviously didn't read anything I wrote, since half of them were calling me "babe" or asking about hooking up. I've always been anti-online-dating, because it's just weird. But now I'm serious. It's out of my system. And I'm out of their system.

I'm going to wait on the Lord now. I know I've told other people that it's when you stop looking that the right one shows up. It's time to take my own advice and let God take care of the details. I'm going to stop thinking about boys and start focusing on what really brings joy. Because in the boy-vs.-joy battle, joy is always the winner. Because it lasts forever.

holy cow

2006-11-27T09:27:00.000-05:00

I have something amazing to tell you.

I didn't gain any weight this week.

Not sure how this happened, but I'll take it. I'm officially back on wagon.

home

2006-11-26T09:10:00.001-05:00

I'm home. And it's good to be home. It was nice to be with the fam for awhile, but it's also nice to be here, back in my rut. The cats are glad I'm home, too. They told me so.

I think I could now legally put up my Christmas tree. Except I did it last week.

The Steelers aren't on tv today. Gah.

I'm reading a book right now called Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith. I've been reading it for awhile and it really needs to go back to the library. Last night I read something I liked, and I thought you might appreciate it, too:

"Maybe it's because music is about as physical as it gets: your essential rhythm is your heartbeat; your essential sound, the breath. We're walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn't get it any other way."

She can really use her words.

Thankful:

thanksgiving

2006-11-22T18:05:00.001-05:00

I usually do an I'm-Thankful-For list on Thanksgiving, but I did that not too long ago when I was having a bummer day, so I decided to take a different twist on this idea. I was thinking about sweet memories and decided to think hard and decide the four memories I'm most glad I have. This wasn't easy. I'm not sure about the order, either, but here they are.

Singing and Dancing and Books and Bed
When I was a little girl, I loved reading, and I had a whole set of books on record. Each story had a regular book with words and pictures and a little teeny record tucked away in a pocket on the last page. Each night before I went to sleep, we'd read one book together. At the end of each story, there was music. During this music, we would dance. Every night, at story's end, with Mom on the floor and me on the bed, we'd hold hands and jump and dance until the music ended. Then, to bed.

Cops and Robbers and Beach Food and Elevators
Some of my best years were in college at Cal U. I had amazing friends, a wonderful Christian community, and the best roommate ever. Brianne and I had a special connection that manifested itself early in our relationship. We spent almost every waking minute together--aside from 16 credit hours and an occasional trip to the bathroom, we were always together. We lived in the same room, we ate at the same table, we showered at the same time (although not together), we watched the same TV shows, we pined over the same boys. We shared everything. I don't miss getting stuck in the elevator, but it is part of the memory. We would sometimes tie our choir gowns around our necks, grab our walkie talkies and water guns, and play Cops and Robbers in the halls. But my favorite memory is the "crush jar." One day we each took a pen and, on little slips of paper, wrote things we'd like our crushes to do for us. Then every day, we each pulled one slip out of the jar and got to smile at the idea of them taking us shopping, bringing us flowers, kissing our noses, or buying us shoes. We still love you, Speedo Joe.

Cabins and Campfires and Volleyball Sheds
I can't come up with a specific memory from all my Camp Peniel years. There are just too many. But I can't leave it out just because I can't pick one--it's where I really, truly met Jesus, and it's where I figured out that I wanted to be involved in ministry, and it's where I met my best friend, and it's where I learned that I'll never be good at soccer. There are a million memories from those cabins and hills: getting shocked by my hair dryer; dressing like a Berlin-er, complete with blacked-out teeth; crying over boys; Ooga ceremonies; covering cabins in shaving cream; hiding mattresses in the dark; having communion without the electricity; and a thousand-million moments with Jill...

(You've read this one before, but it's still a favorite, so...)
Brothers and Crying and Sweet Morning Hugs
One morning as a teeny girl I woke up, climbed out of bed, and went to find Mom. I remember pattering down the hall and looking into each empty room, my anxiety heightening each time I didn't find her. When I'd checked everywhere Mom ought to be and I hadn't found her, I came to the very-scary-for-a-little-girl realization that I'd been left at home alone. Where was my mom? I sunk down against the wall beside my bedroom and I started to cry. I think I started softly, but it must have gotten louder, because the next thing I knew, my big brother Allan was holding me. "You're not all by yourself. I'm here," he said, as I cried into his shoulder. He held me, rocking, until I'd calmed down again. That's the picture I've always remembered of my sweet brother. It was nice growing up with older siblings who sheltered me and showered me with love. And even now that I'm grown, I still remember him holding me, and I know that he'll always be close when I'm feeling alone.

I'm thankful for you, my friends.

love,
shannon

gah and blah and wah (and maybe bah)

2006-11-20T15:41:00.001-05:00

It's Monday. That should be enough.

I'm at work, and I'm bored. I'm sitting here watching the clock moving very slowly toward 4:00. I'm on my second dose of Airborne, hopefully fending off the plague that's weaseling its way into my Thanksgiving holiday. I feel like crap, and when I try to take a nap on my butt pillow, people make comments. I'm not dying, and I'm not actually sleeping, but I do feel crappy. So let a girl rest.

I could just go home, but here's the good news: I have a massage today. I wish it had been yesterday, because all I really want to do right now is sleep. But I'm sure it'll be good. I've been waiting for so long now, and I'm not going to cancel this appointment.

I decided to take off tomorrow, so that means I can leave for home whenever I get up in the morning. This is exciting to me. I haven't seen my parents since July, and I'm excited about the food, the turkey naps, the family, and even possibly the sleeping on the floor. I love Thanksgiving.

Trying to be thankful in spite of the monster in my throat.

me, me, me

2006-11-18T11:33:00.001-05:00

The past few weeks as I've been adjusting to the shift in my life, I've run into some roadblocks. Well, one. It's me. I'm finding that whatever I struggle with in life becomes a bigger struggle than it needs to be--and why? Because I think everything is about me. When I'm sad, I'm thinking about myself and what a bummer this or that thing is. And when I'm happy, I feel like I must have something right.

Whatever!

As I've been getting back to spending time with God--whether it's crying and whining or attempting to be thankful--I keep tripping over myself. I want to read, I want to study, I want to pray. But I also want to sleep in until the last possible second, I want to go to bed early, and I want to watch Gilmore Girls. My priorities aren't always where they need to be. I think, "well, I want to pray, but I don't feel like it." Well, my feelings have betrayed me lots of times, and it seems like I should know that very well by now. What is it that makes me think I have to feel like doing something I know I need to do anyway? Spending time with God isn't about me. It's about Him. It's not about him listening to me. It's about me listening to him.

And sometimes I get really self-righteous. "Why, Lord, am I going through this thing? Isn't it my turn for something good?" As if the whole universe revolves around me. The universe is pretty big, you know, and I'm just a pretty lame part of it.

Sometimes I fight with myself because what I truly want is to be content with God and not feel like I need an earthly partner. But then I think about how lonely I get and how I want someone, and God can't fulfill that need. Oh, whatever. He can fulfill every need.

I'll think this way and then this lesson will hit me again. It's happened so many times in the last couple weeks. When I think about myself, I feel really lonely. But when I think about me and God, then it feels pretty darn good. For some reason I've always sucked at getting my lessons learned the first, or second, or third, or fiftieth time around.

Check out this song by Charlie Dodrill. I love how God follows up on his kids. I've been dealing with this for awhile now, and this song just says exactly what my heart is crying out. Click to listen. The lyrics are below.

Lord, I have trouble understanding anything
your deeds much less your ways
confused by what I read and even what I sing
will it be thus always?
I think perhaps my introspection is to blame
I think so selfishly
I long for wisdom but I'm still playing the game
for I am under the impression that it's all for me

God, your glory should be what consumes my heart
Hallowed be thy name
But I'm convinced I am the whole not just a part
much to my great shame
I need the vista from the fiery crystal sea
I need it desperately
If my perspective stays I'll never find the key
for I am under the impression that it's all for me

Oh Lord, to be consumed with thee
I wanna be wise

My Martha-mind is concerned about many things
while disregarding the one
preoccupied with all the things that have to do with me
and not with Heaven's Son
Lord, how am I supposed to apprehend anything
while I'm so big in my eyes
Like Ptolemy, thinking all the worlds revolve around me
I'm in for such a surprise
Surprise me.

Lord I wait for you to change the view from where I'm standing
to see you for who you are
and see me as this speck of dust who enthralls you
and not some shining star
from my place prostrate down in the dust
I lift my gaze, your face I'll see
And for the first time in my life I'll be
No longer under the impression that it's all for me
Then I will be consumed with thee
At last I will be wise.

new beginnings

2006-11-14T19:21:00.000-05:00

Change is hard, and I suck at it. But after years of maintaining my loyalty to blurty.com, I'm moving over to blogger. I've been putting off the move, because it's hard to leave behind so many memories. It's kind of like leaving a really good friend. I know it's not going anywhere, but still... it feels a little sad to me.

I guess it's time for a blog-warming party! Party with me!

To find a million memories of happy times, sad times, fun times, lame times, special times, hard times, easy times, and lots of other kinds of times, click here:

the old blog

Hello, my new world!