November 18, 2006

11:33 AM: me, me, me

The past few weeks as I've been adjusting to the shift in my life, I've run into some roadblocks. Well, one. It's me. I'm finding that whatever I struggle with in life becomes a bigger struggle than it needs to be--and why? Because I think everything is about me. When I'm sad, I'm thinking about myself and what a bummer this or that thing is. And when I'm happy, I feel like I must have something right.


As I've been getting back to spending time with God--whether it's crying and whining or attempting to be thankful--I keep tripping over myself. I want to read, I want to study, I want to pray. But I also want to sleep in until the last possible second, I want to go to bed early, and I want to watch Gilmore Girls. My priorities aren't always where they need to be. I think, "well, I want to pray, but I don't feel like it." Well, my feelings have betrayed me lots of times, and it seems like I should know that very well by now. What is it that makes me think I have to feel like doing something I know I need to do anyway? Spending time with God isn't about me. It's about Him. It's not about him listening to me. It's about me listening to him.

And sometimes I get really self-righteous. "Why, Lord, am I going through this thing? Isn't it my turn for something good?" As if the whole universe revolves around me. The universe is pretty big, you know, and I'm just a pretty lame part of it.

Sometimes I fight with myself because what I truly want is to be content with God and not feel like I need an earthly partner. But then I think about how lonely I get and how I want someone, and God can't fulfill that need. Oh, whatever. He can fulfill every need.

I'll think this way and then this lesson will hit me again. It's happened so many times in the last couple weeks. When I think about myself, I feel really lonely. But when I think about me and God, then it feels pretty darn good. For some reason I've always sucked at getting my lessons learned the first, or second, or third, or fiftieth time around.

Check out this song by Charlie Dodrill. I love how God follows up on his kids. I've been dealing with this for awhile now, and this song just says exactly what my heart is crying out. Click to listen. The lyrics are below.

Lord, I have trouble understanding anything
your deeds much less your ways
confused by what I read and even what I sing
will it be thus always?
I think perhaps my introspection is to blame
I think so selfishly
I long for wisdom but I'm still playing the game
for I am under the impression that it's all for me

God, your glory should be what consumes my heart
Hallowed be thy name
But I'm convinced I am the whole not just a part
much to my great shame
I need the vista from the fiery crystal sea
I need it desperately
If my perspective stays I'll never find the key
for I am under the impression that it's all for me

Oh Lord, to be consumed with thee
I wanna be wise

My Martha-mind is concerned about many things
while disregarding the one
preoccupied with all the things that have to do with me
and not with Heaven's Son
Lord, how am I supposed to apprehend anything
while I'm so big in my eyes
Like Ptolemy, thinking all the worlds revolve around me
I'm in for such a surprise
Surprise me.

Lord I wait for you to change the view from where I'm standing
to see you for who you are
and see me as this speck of dust who enthralls you
and not some shining star

from my place prostrate down in the dust
I lift my gaze, your face I'll see
And for the first time in my life I'll be
No longer under the impression that it's all for me
Then I will be consumed with thee
At last I will be wise.

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1 Responses to “me, me, me”

  1. # Anonymous Anonymous

    You have loved and lost so many. Whether it is gay men, fat religious guys or prisoners. You have to start looking at the choices you make.  

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    Name: Shannon
    Age: 29
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