June 21, 2007
10:06 PM:
chains on my soul
What a week I've had. I've been sad, but I've been strong. Stronger this time. Every day is a little better than the one before. My friends have been keeping me busy, and I know I'm so fortunate to have people around me who care that much. To my own surprise, I'm getting pretty close to over him. Not over the dream, and definitely not over her, but I guess I'm gaining break-up skills. It would be nice to never have to use these skills again.
One foreign thing I've been struggling with this time, though, is a teensy bit of anger at my God. This is not an area I'm familiar with, because I've always been a take-it-as-it-comes kind of Christian. I've been through bad times before and I've shaken it off and gone on my merry Jesus way. This time, something is different. There's a stirring anger within me that's screaming, "Why again, Lord? WHY?" I know God has a plan and I know it's better than any crap I could come up with. I just want to know why he wants to drag me through the valley over and over.
Anyway, as a result of this struggle, I've been feeling kind of far away. I feel like I can't (don't want to?) get close to God. For example, my Bible is in the backseat of my car from the trip to PA. I talk to him a little but I think I'm avoiding talking about the stuff that hurts. "Thanks for the food, Lord." "Help me get through this day." "Get her out of my head, please!" And so on. Where's the deep, dark stuff? Where's the stuff that really hurts and then heals? I've been holding back, because I'm not ready. I don't know why, really.
Tonight I was driving home from Lisa's and this song came on. Again. When it came on, I thought to myself, "that is so weird! This song has been on every time I've been in the car for days." And only then did I realize that might have been on purpose. I'm driving down the road and singing along with the words--out of habit--and then I thought, hey, do I mean what I'm singing? ... Yes. Yes, I think I do. And then I cried for the first time since Sunday. He always shows himself to me.
The song is here:
One foreign thing I've been struggling with this time, though, is a teensy bit of anger at my God. This is not an area I'm familiar with, because I've always been a take-it-as-it-comes kind of Christian. I've been through bad times before and I've shaken it off and gone on my merry Jesus way. This time, something is different. There's a stirring anger within me that's screaming, "Why again, Lord? WHY?" I know God has a plan and I know it's better than any crap I could come up with. I just want to know why he wants to drag me through the valley over and over.
Anyway, as a result of this struggle, I've been feeling kind of far away. I feel like I can't (don't want to?) get close to God. For example, my Bible is in the backseat of my car from the trip to PA. I talk to him a little but I think I'm avoiding talking about the stuff that hurts. "Thanks for the food, Lord." "Help me get through this day." "Get her out of my head, please!" And so on. Where's the deep, dark stuff? Where's the stuff that really hurts and then heals? I've been holding back, because I'm not ready. I don't know why, really.
Tonight I was driving home from Lisa's and this song came on. Again. When it came on, I thought to myself, "that is so weird! This song has been on every time I've been in the car for days." And only then did I realize that might have been on purpose. I'm driving down the road and singing along with the words--out of habit--and then I thought, hey, do I mean what I'm singing? ... Yes. Yes, I think I do. And then I cried for the first time since Sunday. He always shows himself to me.
The song is here:
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