June 15, 2007

6:40 PM:

Having had 24 hours to think on things, I decided I probably shouldn't have posted quite what I did yesterday. I do have the lousy habit of saying things out of hurt and anger and not counting to ten, and I probably did that last night. I should have just left it at sad and clicked the button, but I guess I wanted to share my pain. Even so, it shouldn't have been at Andy's expense, and I apologize for that.

I'm dealing with anger and disappointment and hurt and sadness and all sorts of other bad feelings, and sometimes I just want to stay mad because it's so much easier than being sad. Sometimes I work hard at being angry, because really, it's a pretty good Band-Aid. Of course I'm intelligent enough to know that it's not a good long-term fix; I've been through enough hurts in the last few years to have learned quite a few things about dealing with the pain. I'm still not any good at it, but at least I'm educated on what the "right" things are to do--and I know anger isn't really the healthy way, but it helps get you through some of the hurty stuff until you're strong enough to deal with things. That is assuming you ever actually deal with them... (I do!).

Just for the record, Andy is a good guy. He's not a different person from the one I wrote about all those months ago when I was gushing about how great he was. Okay, he stopped doing things like bringing flowers and breakfast and cough drops, but he's still the same good-hearted guy, and he still opens doors for me. He's a guy with a history that I'm not allowed to know. He's a good guy with a wall that I can't climb. I want to, but there's just no way in. I want to get in, but he just can't let me, and I don't know that I can keep trying, because it's exhausting and I feel like I'm going at it alone. I need a map, or a boost, or something that will make me feel like we're in it together, but it just isn't there. This guy--the guy who can't let me in--I love him, and I wish I could take away the hurts from his past. But that isn't my job. It's God's job, and it's Andy's job to hand those things over, and as much as I want to fix everything and make it go away, I wasn't made for that. I was made to be supportive, but I don't know how long I can do that at the expense of my own emotional needs.

I know God's plan is good, and I'm looking forward to the happy part. He has always proven to me that he has something better in mind, and whatever it is, I'm ready for it.

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1 Responses to “”

  1. # Blogger Amanda, Ian, and Addison

    This is your forum. Don't apologize for putting your thoughts and feelings out there. It takes guts to say what you feel. :)  

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    Name: Shannon
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