May 23, 2008
12:21 PM:
been awhile
I put $50 worth of gas in my car and it didn't fill the tank. I'm not sure how to exist in this world!
I know it's been awhile. I've been trying to force myself to be in a bloggy mood lately, but it hasn't worked. I want to write, but I don't want to write. Why? I don't know.
Marriage has been good. We're enjoying ourselves at least 98.5% of the time. The other 1.5% is spent mostly at work or in an occasional snit. But we like being normal. Sometimes he leaves notes for me on the bathroom mirror, and last night he brought me flowers.
Here's a few of the things I love about being married:
> No matter how long the day is, no matter how many things we have to do, no matter what keeps us apart for the daytime hours, I always get to crawl into bed beside my husband. And even if he falls asleep while I'm talking to him about my day, he's usually holding my hand as he does it, so it's still some kind of perfect.
> Everything matters on a different level now. The choices we make every day now affect each other, and I love thinking about that and making decisions together. Praying together about decisions, big or little, is fulfilling even before we hear the answer.
> Having more silverware has been amazing. For years I have been living on six forks, six spoons, and six knives. Suddenly, having a meal doesn't necessarily require washing a fork before I can eat. Yes!
A couple things that have been hard:
> Our friends and our church are the price we're paying for our decision. Seems to me it's the job of the church to lift up and encourage its people, and who needs that more than a newly married couple learning how to have a Christ-centered, successful marriage? So we're looking for a new church who will support and encourage. The great church search is a challenge, but it's sort of exciting, too.
> My dishwasher is tired. I swear I run it every day now. I'm not sure how one extra person can make such a difference!
In other news, lately most of my stress has been poured into the planning for the party. Next time I say I want to host a party, remind me that I hate planning! I love parties, though.
Early release from work today! I love holiday weekends.
I know it's been awhile. I've been trying to force myself to be in a bloggy mood lately, but it hasn't worked. I want to write, but I don't want to write. Why? I don't know.
Marriage has been good. We're enjoying ourselves at least 98.5% of the time. The other 1.5% is spent mostly at work or in an occasional snit. But we like being normal. Sometimes he leaves notes for me on the bathroom mirror, and last night he brought me flowers.
Here's a few of the things I love about being married:
> No matter how long the day is, no matter how many things we have to do, no matter what keeps us apart for the daytime hours, I always get to crawl into bed beside my husband. And even if he falls asleep while I'm talking to him about my day, he's usually holding my hand as he does it, so it's still some kind of perfect.
> Everything matters on a different level now. The choices we make every day now affect each other, and I love thinking about that and making decisions together. Praying together about decisions, big or little, is fulfilling even before we hear the answer.
> Having more silverware has been amazing. For years I have been living on six forks, six spoons, and six knives. Suddenly, having a meal doesn't necessarily require washing a fork before I can eat. Yes!
A couple things that have been hard:
> Our friends and our church are the price we're paying for our decision. Seems to me it's the job of the church to lift up and encourage its people, and who needs that more than a newly married couple learning how to have a Christ-centered, successful marriage? So we're looking for a new church who will support and encourage. The great church search is a challenge, but it's sort of exciting, too.
> My dishwasher is tired. I swear I run it every day now. I'm not sure how one extra person can make such a difference!
In other news, lately most of my stress has been poured into the planning for the party. Next time I say I want to host a party, remind me that I hate planning! I love parties, though.
Early release from work today! I love holiday weekends.
April 20, 2008
2:12 PM:
Mark 10:9
A lot has happened since my last post. Least importantly, but momentarily annoyingly, my T key keeps sticking. And in this opening paragraph alone, I have had to fuss with the T key 12 times. Oh, now 13.
I wonder, when little girls dream about their wedding days, if they ever picture themselves eloping and skipping the whole wedding hoopla. Of course, I've already had my big hoopla wedding, so maybe I don't count. But I think I always imagined that it would be a big deal and romantic. Little did I know I'd one day become an eloper--or that a small deal could be way more romantic.
This has been quite a ride... but that is what I've come to expect from my roller-coaster life. The good break, then the engagement, then the judgment/suggestion, then the wrong break, then the recommitment... and then a shot gun wedding.
I have one important thing to say at this point:
I am not pregnant. I promise. We were painfully abstinent!
I guess you get to a point where you are two grown, praying adults who have made a valid decision about what they want, with an assurance of a God who listens and speaks to them. And then when you're at that point and someone tells you that what you're hearing from God isn't real, you have to step back and look at what you have. We are not impulsive people. We don't take this lightly. We have prayed and prayed over our decisions. And we decided to stop asking the world their opinion and do what we felt called to do. And that is the end of my defense.
Being married in the courthouse was actually a thousand times more romantic than the big, showy wedding I had the first time. With all the details and stress, I think a little bit of the meaning disappears. When it's just the two of you in one big room, holding hands and looking each other in the eyes, without a roomful of people watching and taking pictures, without worrying about whether your mother pulled your veil off your head when she hugged you... when it's just the two of you and a man with the power vested in him by the State of Ohio... that is romantic and real and a perfect, private moment. And while the idea of it being secretive and impulsive felt somewhat edgy, there was also a real excitement in being in on something together... in knowing something no one else knew. I guess it's kind of like beginning a new life with even the teensiest bit of adventure. I like a little adventure.
We will have a party eventually. I ordered a non-refundable dress and I intend to use it! Besides, we need real pictures so we can tell this crazy story to our grandchildren.
Next comes the details... moving Josh out and in, budgeting, name changing, getting rings, learning to adjust to living together... But first, telling people. That's what we're working on at the moment.
Over and out--
the Mrs.
I wonder, when little girls dream about their wedding days, if they ever picture themselves eloping and skipping the whole wedding hoopla. Of course, I've already had my big hoopla wedding, so maybe I don't count. But I think I always imagined that it would be a big deal and romantic. Little did I know I'd one day become an eloper--or that a small deal could be way more romantic.
This has been quite a ride... but that is what I've come to expect from my roller-coaster life. The good break, then the engagement, then the judgment/suggestion, then the wrong break, then the recommitment... and then a shot gun wedding.
I have one important thing to say at this point:
I am not pregnant. I promise. We were painfully abstinent!
I guess you get to a point where you are two grown, praying adults who have made a valid decision about what they want, with an assurance of a God who listens and speaks to them. And then when you're at that point and someone tells you that what you're hearing from God isn't real, you have to step back and look at what you have. We are not impulsive people. We don't take this lightly. We have prayed and prayed over our decisions. And we decided to stop asking the world their opinion and do what we felt called to do. And that is the end of my defense.
Being married in the courthouse was actually a thousand times more romantic than the big, showy wedding I had the first time. With all the details and stress, I think a little bit of the meaning disappears. When it's just the two of you in one big room, holding hands and looking each other in the eyes, without a roomful of people watching and taking pictures, without worrying about whether your mother pulled your veil off your head when she hugged you... when it's just the two of you and a man with the power vested in him by the State of Ohio... that is romantic and real and a perfect, private moment. And while the idea of it being secretive and impulsive felt somewhat edgy, there was also a real excitement in being in on something together... in knowing something no one else knew. I guess it's kind of like beginning a new life with even the teensiest bit of adventure. I like a little adventure.
We will have a party eventually. I ordered a non-refundable dress and I intend to use it! Besides, we need real pictures so we can tell this crazy story to our grandchildren.
Next comes the details... moving Josh out and in, budgeting, name changing, getting rings, learning to adjust to living together... But first, telling people. That's what we're working on at the moment.
Over and out--
the Mrs.
April 08, 2008
4:46 PM:
joy kill
What do you think about divorce and remarriage?
We're getting some resistance from the church about this marriage, and it's beyond what the word frustrating can portray. I'm still in some state of shock at the events that have occurred in the last 24 hours. It was just yesterday around 5pm when I talked to the pastor and he said there are some issues regarding the marriage because of Josh's divorce. In one rotation of the earth, I have been angry, frustrated, defeated, sad, depressed, and resolute. I finished with a more positive word, but that doesn't mean the negative ones aren't still hanging around.
I happen to be in love with a man who isn't all that resolute. He is a good, godly man, but his struggle with grace makes him a lousy decision maker. He is sure of something one minute, and the next he is all at sea. What? Being a bit of a control freak (yep, I have my own issues, I guess), this is not easy for me to handle. I just want to take every little thing and fix it, but that isn't my job. I can't repair every injustice in his life no matter how hard I try.
I am at a loss to understand how the church I have attended and loved for the last five years is suddenly letting me down. I've never claimed to agree with everything the Southern Baptists believe, but I thought they were more interested in grace and forgiveness than they were about the legalistic side of things. I am not saying that we should discard the law, but Jesus came to fulfill it and that is what he did. The law now is Love.
Clearly, God hates divorce. Every Christian knows this. I had to wrestle with it regarding my own divorce. But what God told me during that time was this: Shannon, I hate divorce. But I love you. And that's the same for any kind of sin. Sin is just sin... it doesn't come in levels of evil, specific ones don't have certain requirements for removal, and God doesn't see one differently than another. It's all just distance from him, and it all disappears under the blood of Christ. And at that point, none carries conditions.
Let me look at a few things here. Divorce and remarriage is called adultery under the law. And how did Christ deal with an adulterer? Consider the woman in John 8 who was caught in adultery. Jesus told her accusers that they had no right to punish her. He said "Neither do I condemn you... go and sin no more." (John 8:11)
There is a promise from the Lord that Christ is faithful and just to forgive us, including the sin of adultery, if there is genuine repentance. Jesus didn't condone the woman's sin, but he forgave her. He didn't put any conditions on her freedom--he just released her from her sin.
Hebrews 10:17 says "And their sins and iniquities I will remember no more." If the Lord has forgotten the sin, how can there be conditions attached to it? We have a new start in Christ. "Old things have passed away; all things are made new!"
I'm not sure what kind of point I am attempting to make. I guess I'm just frustrated and needed to vent.
Pray for us. Pray for me as I meet with the pastor tomorrow. Pray for Josh as he deals with feelings of defeat and wanting to quit. Pray that God would speak to him in a way that is undeniable and full of grace. Pray for us that we can make it through the first of a lifetime of crises together.
Ugh!
We're getting some resistance from the church about this marriage, and it's beyond what the word frustrating can portray. I'm still in some state of shock at the events that have occurred in the last 24 hours. It was just yesterday around 5pm when I talked to the pastor and he said there are some issues regarding the marriage because of Josh's divorce. In one rotation of the earth, I have been angry, frustrated, defeated, sad, depressed, and resolute. I finished with a more positive word, but that doesn't mean the negative ones aren't still hanging around.
I happen to be in love with a man who isn't all that resolute. He is a good, godly man, but his struggle with grace makes him a lousy decision maker. He is sure of something one minute, and the next he is all at sea. What? Being a bit of a control freak (yep, I have my own issues, I guess), this is not easy for me to handle. I just want to take every little thing and fix it, but that isn't my job. I can't repair every injustice in his life no matter how hard I try.
I am at a loss to understand how the church I have attended and loved for the last five years is suddenly letting me down. I've never claimed to agree with everything the Southern Baptists believe, but I thought they were more interested in grace and forgiveness than they were about the legalistic side of things. I am not saying that we should discard the law, but Jesus came to fulfill it and that is what he did. The law now is Love.
Clearly, God hates divorce. Every Christian knows this. I had to wrestle with it regarding my own divorce. But what God told me during that time was this: Shannon, I hate divorce. But I love you. And that's the same for any kind of sin. Sin is just sin... it doesn't come in levels of evil, specific ones don't have certain requirements for removal, and God doesn't see one differently than another. It's all just distance from him, and it all disappears under the blood of Christ. And at that point, none carries conditions.
Let me look at a few things here. Divorce and remarriage is called adultery under the law. And how did Christ deal with an adulterer? Consider the woman in John 8 who was caught in adultery. Jesus told her accusers that they had no right to punish her. He said "Neither do I condemn you... go and sin no more." (John 8:11)
There is a promise from the Lord that Christ is faithful and just to forgive us, including the sin of adultery, if there is genuine repentance. Jesus didn't condone the woman's sin, but he forgave her. He didn't put any conditions on her freedom--he just released her from her sin.
Hebrews 10:17 says "And their sins and iniquities I will remember no more." If the Lord has forgotten the sin, how can there be conditions attached to it? We have a new start in Christ. "Old things have passed away; all things are made new!"
I'm not sure what kind of point I am attempting to make. I guess I'm just frustrated and needed to vent.
Pray for us. Pray for me as I meet with the pastor tomorrow. Pray for Josh as he deals with feelings of defeat and wanting to quit. Pray that God would speak to him in a way that is undeniable and full of grace. Pray for us that we can make it through the first of a lifetime of crises together.
Ugh!
March 27, 2008
4:09 PM:
news
March 20, 2008
4:37 PM:
empty
burn away
my desire
for anything
that is not of you
and is of me
'cause i want more of you
and less of me
empty me
empty me
and fill
won't you fill me
with you
with you
Nothing wise to say lately. Struggling a little. Sometimes a lot.
I'm learning lately about what it really means to be emptied. Maybe I'm being emptied... a little, anyway. I want it... but I wish I wanted it more. But Josh wants it, and watching that has been humbling. Sometimes really amazing, but sometimes hard. Ultimately, I do want to come second. But I am sometimes selfish, and in the little moments, I can't help it. My flesh wants to come first.
I'm learning lately about what it really means to be emptied. Maybe I'm being emptied... a little, anyway. I want it... but I wish I wanted it more. But Josh wants it, and watching that has been humbling. Sometimes really amazing, but sometimes hard. Ultimately, I do want to come second. But I am sometimes selfish, and in the little moments, I can't help it. My flesh wants to come first.
February 10, 2008
7:10 PM:
catching up
Today I was sweeping cat hair off the floor and complaining about cat-owning, as usual. I love (as in "care about," not the gross, overly attached kind of love) my particular cats, but I'm not a cat lover in general. In fact, I'm not really into animals at all. I love children, though, so that makes me feel a little bit more like I have a heart. I am just not into little furry things that need attention and a portion of my salary to survive. Josh isn't into cats--even my particular ones. He keeps threatening to take off their collars and let them out. Sometimes I don't protest. Anyway. I was complaining and rolling my eyes and quietly wishing them away, and Josh said, "That's what I love most about you. You have cats, but you wish you didn't. Well, not most, but a lot." He was serious, and that made me laugh.
Here's my big news. I've decided to learn to cook. I have been resistant for many years now, but lately I've been feeling bad that I can never feed poor Josh anything when he comes over. He would be lucky if I even had any bread to make PB&J. So last week I made the big decision and I've been semi-functional in the kitchen since then. I sat down with cookbooks, picked things out, and went to the store. For the first time in my life, there's meat in my freezer. It's kind of exciting. There's a roast in my crockpot at this very moment. I hope it's okay, because I've been building up to this moment all week. It's the little things.
New project is finally starting at work this week. I can't wait. I've been counting down the days and I sort of feel like stopping before work at the party store for a hat and some noise-makers or something. The last year has been slow and my brain feels sort of mushy. I hope it can start sparking again.
On a shameful note, guess what started up this week? Paradise Hotel 2. Man!! I watched the first one way back in the day and I loved it. I didn't think they'd ever bring it back, but hello, PH Season 2! I feel so dirty!
Here's my big news. I've decided to learn to cook. I have been resistant for many years now, but lately I've been feeling bad that I can never feed poor Josh anything when he comes over. He would be lucky if I even had any bread to make PB&J. So last week I made the big decision and I've been semi-functional in the kitchen since then. I sat down with cookbooks, picked things out, and went to the store. For the first time in my life, there's meat in my freezer. It's kind of exciting. There's a roast in my crockpot at this very moment. I hope it's okay, because I've been building up to this moment all week. It's the little things.
New project is finally starting at work this week. I can't wait. I've been counting down the days and I sort of feel like stopping before work at the party store for a hat and some noise-makers or something. The last year has been slow and my brain feels sort of mushy. I hope it can start sparking again.
On a shameful note, guess what started up this week? Paradise Hotel 2. Man!! I watched the first one way back in the day and I loved it. I didn't think they'd ever bring it back, but hello, PH Season 2! I feel so dirty!
Labels: cats, cooking, josh, reality tv
December 23, 2007
3:38 PM:
the way to go
I'm sitting on the floor in the airport. There's a plane on fire outside my window. No, really! There's lots of smoke and flashing lights, and we just found out there's a plane on fire in the hangar. And not just that, but the hangar's on fire, too. Here's hoping my plane is cool as a cucumber.
It doesn't feel like Christmas yet. I'm not sure what it's going to take--maybe once we get there and I'm in a house full of people I love and they start to drive me crazy--maybe then it will feel like the holidays.
I was remembering this morning how crazy last Christmas was for me with the surgery and all. I feel thankful this year for the simple things, like pain-free traveling (well, minus the one-hour delay we have so far), the ability to wear pants (oh, the little things!), and especially being able to go to the Christmas Eve service. It didn't feel like Christmas last year when I couldn't go to church. But I didn't think they'd appreciate my showing up in the old-lady nightgown I was living in at the time...
I had to leave one of my best Christmas blessings behind today, though, and that's a little sad. Since I couldn't stuff Josh in my carry-on bag (it was him or my laptop, and you can see who won), I had to kiss him goodbye last night and I'll be counting down the days--even though I'm sure they'll be good ones--until he picks us up on Friday evening.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
It doesn't feel like Christmas yet. I'm not sure what it's going to take--maybe once we get there and I'm in a house full of people I love and they start to drive me crazy--maybe then it will feel like the holidays.
I was remembering this morning how crazy last Christmas was for me with the surgery and all. I feel thankful this year for the simple things, like pain-free traveling (well, minus the one-hour delay we have so far), the ability to wear pants (oh, the little things!), and especially being able to go to the Christmas Eve service. It didn't feel like Christmas last year when I couldn't go to church. But I didn't think they'd appreciate my showing up in the old-lady nightgown I was living in at the time...
I had to leave one of my best Christmas blessings behind today, though, and that's a little sad. Since I couldn't stuff Josh in my carry-on bag (it was him or my laptop, and you can see who won), I had to kiss him goodbye last night and I'll be counting down the days--even though I'm sure they'll be good ones--until he picks us up on Friday evening.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
December 08, 2007
4:34 PM:
mad mad mad mad world
I'm sitting at Josh's, trying to talk myself down from the great frustration that has me on the top of Anger Mountain. I feel just a little bit insane right now.
Waiting is not one of my gifts. I hate to wait, but I agreed to sit here and anticipate the arrival of the cable guy at J's new place. Apparently, even when given a FOUR-HOUR WINDOW, Time Warner still cannot make it anywhere on time.
I've been here for five hours wasting away my Saturday. I called them at 4:05, already seething, and the lady on the phone gave me the run-around for not knowing the last four digits of J's social, the correct street address, or the account number. Listen, lady. All I know is that you are wasting my time, and if you were within strangling distance, my fingers would be sore right now. She said she'd have Mr. Late-Ass call me with an ETA, but that was 40 minutes ago and I'm still sitting here in great anticipation. Except now, I'm seething even more than I was before.
I don't generally get this angry, so it's sort of disturbing me. It shouldn't matter so much, but I guess the waiting, the incompetency, and my hormones are making a really bad cocktail today, and I've thrown back way too many.
Send calming thoughts my way, please.
I don't feel like I have anything useful, funny, interesting, or edifying to say today, but it's been a long time since an update and I guess I'm feeling obligated.
The idea of feeling obligated to write makes me LQTM, since Erin was just writing about such blogging mysteries recently. I guess I don't exactly know my true blogging purpose. I think when I started (which was January of 2003, and for the record, long before the blogging generation began), I originally intended it to just be for me. But she's right--since I know I have readers, I will hesitate to write unless I feel I have something good to say. Maybe I should trust you all more than that.
Anyway, it's finally starting to feel like the right season outside. I love fall, but there's something satisfying about watching it pass into winter. There's something about chilly air and coats and hats and seeing my breath that makes me feel warm. Ironic, I guess. It's probably a result of knowing the holidays are approaching, bringing parties and food and friends and family and other happy things (like pumpkin roll) with them.
So the holidays are almost here, it's sweater-wearing time, I'm hanging with my Lisa tomorrow, and there's this guy... so I'm smiling lately. Plus, I just got my teeth cleaned today, so I may as well show them off.
The idea of feeling obligated to write makes me LQTM, since Erin was just writing about such blogging mysteries recently. I guess I don't exactly know my true blogging purpose. I think when I started (which was January of 2003, and for the record, long before the blogging generation began), I originally intended it to just be for me. But she's right--since I know I have readers, I will hesitate to write unless I feel I have something good to say. Maybe I should trust you all more than that.
Anyway, it's finally starting to feel like the right season outside. I love fall, but there's something satisfying about watching it pass into winter. There's something about chilly air and coats and hats and seeing my breath that makes me feel warm. Ironic, I guess. It's probably a result of knowing the holidays are approaching, bringing parties and food and friends and family and other happy things (like pumpkin roll) with them.
So the holidays are almost here, it's sweater-wearing time, I'm hanging with my Lisa tomorrow, and there's this guy... so I'm smiling lately. Plus, I just got my teeth cleaned today, so I may as well show them off.