July 30, 2007

11:45 AM: finally

I keep thinking it's time to write something, but I've struggled with finding the gumption to sit down and do it. Not that I didn't have anything to say--it was just the act of forming it into something coherent that daunted me.

And it still does. I have all these topics running around in my head and I don't know where to start. It seems like God has been showing me things lately and every time he does, I'll try to store that little thing away and remember to write about it later. Now I have this giant pile of stuff over in one corner of my brain, but it's getting all dusty and I'm not sure I can retrieve it.

I guess I'll start with an update on my emotional status. I'm doing okay--at least for now. It seems like every time I announce to anyone that it's getting better, things start crashing down around me and I find myself back in the pit of despair. I do not want to keep finding myself in that pit, so I'm trying to keep a good distance. I think I have mostly myself to blame for my depressed funks--when I get into one, I can't get out because I can't convince myself to take a step. I get under the covers and hide my soul away and it's cold and dark and lonely, but it feels safer than anything outside the four walls of my bedroom. When I finally walk myself out of my hidey-hole, I'm certain it's better on the outside; yet my heart sometimes feels safer there. Anyway, for now, I'm doing pretty well.

Last week was VBS and I started that week in what was perhaps the deepest depressive state of my life--I spent four days in self-pity, ending on Monday morning when I woke up and got back to my normal routine after a week of vacation. The routine helped enormously, but it was the kids--well, the serving--that really uplifted my downtrodden heart (head?). I'm working on my focus and getting my heart (head too) right again.

When I started being rational again, it felt good and right. My anger at God for not coming through with MY plans was completely ridiculous, and I knew that. But being in an irrational state of mind, I couldn't wrap my mind around Truth. I know Truth. We're good friends. But it evaded me; I could see evidence that it had been nearby, but when I tried to hold onto it, it kept slipping through my fingers. It was so buried in all my momentous crap. The hurts of the moment made me blind to Truth, and although I did want it, there was a part of me that didn't want it, too. And that is the part of me that was new and foreign and frightening. I think I've sent it home now, and I hope it doesn't come back.

One time at a prayer group, a bunch of us were all sitting around a friend's living room and we were discussing the topics we wanted to pray for and then keep in mind throughout the week. When we were ready to pray, I closed my eyes and was listening to the prayers coming from around the room. These people were (well, are) my good, close friends. My family. We were comfortable together. Some sat on furniture, some sat on the floor. I was on the floor. In our little pseudo-circle, there was an empty spot on the floor and in that moment with my eyes closed for prayer, I saw my God sitting there with us. I can still see it when I close my eyes. He was sitting there on the floor, legs crossed Indian-style. His hands sat on his knees, and he looked as comfortable with us as we were with each other. We all had our eyes closed, but his were open, and as he watched and listened, he was smiling. I mean, really smiling. He was listening and nodding and smiling and in that moment, I began to cry and I felt like I knew God in the most real way I have ever known him. He wasn't just this glowing light or happy feeling or even "just" Creator or Father but he was my real, personal God, who sat in on my prayer time and smiled at our obedience. He listened, he knew, he cared, he heard, and he changed me.

I remember that a lot. In the last two months when I've been sad, I've tried to conjure up that picture of God sitting there with his legs crossed and listening and nodding. I would get close and then shut down. Why? I don't know. Too much self-interest, I suppose. Too obsessed with myself and not keeping my eyes on God. But lately as I've been working at spending time with him and keeping myself focused, I've started to feel like Zaccheus. Not because I'm in a tree watching for Jesus--I wish I could say I've been that faithful. No. I'm still pretty much consumed with myself. But because he knows my name. Regardless of who I am or what I do or why I struggle, he comes and he says, "Shannon, I need to come to your house." And I think, "wow. That great, important man just called me by name. And he needs me!" I'm not worthy of either of those things, but I'm so thankful for his grace.

He's so much more faithful than I will ever be.

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2 Comments

2 Responses to “finally”

  1. # Blogger Jonathan

    That's a really cool post. Sometimes you never think of things that way.  

  2. # Blogger Erin

    Awesome stuff. I'll need to think about that some more.  

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About Me

    Name: Shannon
    Age: 29
    Occupation: Editor
    Identity: Child of God
    Location: Ohio
    Yahoo: shann_79

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